The Lemon Fool

As much on here understandably veers towards the problems of life, I thought 'd share something of a pleasant surprise, perhaps even a shock.

Mum (90) is starting with dementia, very limited mobility, and was going stir crazy in her flat for the last 15 months. In March 2020 she had a heart attack and stroke, and went into respite for a couple of week, which turned into 14 weeks of lockdown with no visitors, limited mixing, and no way for us to get a care package in place for her in the flat.

She is virtually flat-bound, walks with a frame, can't manage steps, only sees neighbours through the window until recently, etc etc.
As things have opened up, she has become aware that people can go out, and really missed her friends as the 'wrinklies' meetings were not going ahead. Her brother's partner is in a home, and he said it was nice, so she eventually said she would like to try it, and last Monday we took her in for 2 weeks' respite care.

I try and ring every coupe of days, as does my sister, but at a 2 hour drive away and visiting still restricted to one person I haven't seen her. There have been the odd grumblings on the phone, a bit chilly, bed too hard, garlic bread (which she hates) with one of the meals, minor stuff. Last night on the phone they dragged her out of a Judy Garland film to talk to me (with her 'shampaign' cocktail) and she asked "Well, how long am I in here for?".

I feared the novelty had worn off.

"2 weeks", I said, "I'm coming to rescue you on Monday but I can come tomorrow if you want" (we still have the home care package in place).

"Oh no, I don't want to go back to that flat, I'm staying here. I have a nice room over the garden and if I go home and come back again I might end up on the road side and I don't want that".

So, that seems to be that. Going up this afternoon anyway to check the flat and talk to the Home about options, and I think we will take her back to the flat for a week anyway as we have health visits, family coming to see her (which is difficult in the home with the testing etc required), and nails and hair booked in.

Then probably back to the Home and we'll give it a couple of months then think about selling the flat.
Under PoA.
So expect to see me here ranting in November

Paul

What a fantastic outcome, everyone is happy. You managed the situation very well.

First thing to say is that is seem as your mum is a fighter and surviver - well done her
It's good that you have a sister as I went through the same (dementia) with my mum and having my brother to discuss it with was very helpful, as only the chidren are in the same boat (friends, as good as they are, not in the same position)
Please come back and rant whenver you feel like it

Glad that worked out DrF

Have asked mods if my thread can be repurposed as a support thread for people caring for EPs.

Im glad it all worked for you. Care homes aren't all the awful places that many fear. After my mum died, my siblings and I took it in turns to stay with dad, who had Parkinsons, while we worked out whether he could live independently with support.

After a few months it became clear he couldn't so we took him to visit a fabulous care home where he was welcomed. At the end of the visit the owner of the home asked my dad how his visit was and whether he would come to stay, he replied, "I rather think I shall". He had 3 very happy years there.

Clariman wrote:Im glad it all worked for you. Care homes aren't all the awful places that many fear. After my mum died, my siblings and I took it in turns to stay with dad, who had Parkinsons, while we worked out whether he could live independently with support.

After a few months it became clear he couldn't so we took him to visit a fabulous care home where he was welcomed. At the end of the visit the owner of the home asked my dad how his visit was and whether he would come to stay, he replied, "I rather think I shall". He had 3 very happy years there.

The vast majority of care homes cater for those with dementia. That can present a problem if your elderly parents don't have dementia. My sister and I visited every care home in Brighton when we needed a home for Mum, there was only one that didn't have a majority of dementia sufferers and that one was more 'assisted living' than care home. Mum did have dementia so it wasn't an issue in our case.

When my wifes mother needed a care home we were no longer in Brighton so we looked at several homes in this area. This time MIL didn't have dementia. Again most homes were mainly for dementia patients, we found one that had seperate floors for dementia and none dementia. There was some mixing at meal times but they were generally apart.

It can be very difficult for an elderly none dementia person to live among dementia patients. MIL was horrified at the idea although she did become friends with dementia sufferers as time went by. She just needed time to adjust and accept.

Thanks all.

We popped over last Weds to discuss it with mum and the home, then went back today to take her to the flat to collect some more clothes and a few pictures, sort out the medicines properly, etc etc.

Having been back to the flat she said she did like it, but knows she needs more help and was frightened in the flat on her own at night. She also realises her mobility isn't improving, so whilst there are things she doesn't like about the home, on balance she knows she is better off there and it is less work/worry for us. Whilst at home a couple of neighbours popped down. Both were amazed at how much better she looked and how much more alert and chatty she was. I guess due to a combination of eating proper meals and adequate hydration, neither easy to monitor with a 1 hour visit when she sleeps the rest of the time.

In the flat she was always on the phone, to family or friends. In the care home she has declined the offer of a phone in her room, and actually told the carers she didn't want to talk to someone when they rang her as she was busy (playing snakes and ladders).

I need to sort out a few things now, Council Tax, TV licence, emergency call pendant, maybe the phone, mail redirect, etc etc, but no massive rush. She's actually quite keen to get the flat sold, but we're not sure why. All we can think of is that it removes the option/temptation to go back.

Still seems a bit surreal.

Paul

DrFfybes wrote:I need to sort out a few things now, Council Tax, TV licence, emergency call pendant, maybe the phone, mail redirect, etc etc, but no massive rush. She's actually quite keen to get the flat sold, but we're not sure why. All we can think of is that it removes the option/temptation to go back.

Completely practical note. Check whether you want to sort out the Council Tax straight away. Your mother may have been getting a single person discount, and the Council may charge full whack for an empty property. Councils can choose whether or not to give a discount on empty properties, or some even apply a surcharge if it's empty for a while. Once you have checked, you might want to accidentally not tell them for a couple of months.

alternatively find somebody you trust and move in. now its still a one person dwelling with discount.

even better if they are on benefits or in full time education...

didds

DrFfybes wrote:Thanks all.
In the flat she was always on the phone, to family or friends. In the care home she has declined the offer of a phone in her room, and actually told the carers she didn't want to talk to someone when they rang her as she was busy (playing snakes and ladders).

Thanks for the update
Be prepared to get her a phone, ask her again, dementia sufferers don't always say what they mean
My mum (RIP) would often say 'No' when she really meant 'Yes'

Emergency call pendant...there is also a wrist worn fall sensor alarm. My mother in law is getting one soon ( she has the pendant)...we've been told that it is a no cost option.

Loup321 wrote:Completely practical note. Check whether you want to sort out the Council Tax straight away. Your mother may have been getting a single person discount, and the Council may charge full whack for an empty property. Councils can choose whether or not to give a discount on empty properties, or some even apply a surcharge if it's empty for a while. Once you have checked, you might want to accidentally not tell them for a couple of months.

Thanks - I did look before I leapt as it seems to depend on the Authority

She is in Oldham, and whilst their website is suitably vague about timescales, it does say..

"There is an exemption for unoccupied dwellings where the person who would be liable for Council Tax has left to live in a hospital, residential care home or hostel.

The person's main residence must be a hospital, care home or hostel."

So I take that to mean no tax is payable, at least for a while anyway

Also when unfurnished the first month is free, then 6 months at 75%, so same as now. Hopefully by then it will be sold.

Cancelling the TV licence was remarkably easy. Reducing energy and water payments not so much as understandably they want a pattern of reduced use before amending direct debits.

Paul

Just to tie this up - after a couple of months of much improvement, socialising, and winning the quiz most weeks "because half of the buggers in here are puddled" mum took a turn for the worse a month ago with another stroke.

We'll gloss over the 50+ phone calls to the newly merged Manchester NHS Trust who moved her but had no record of when, and after returning to the home she made a few gradual improvements before a sudden steep decline last week, and finally passing over the weekend, literally days after we'd got all the paperwork in place at the solicitors to sell her flat under PoA.

My sister returned from France on the 22nd, so manage to see mum a few times, which was good, and has already booked the crem and the wake and the care home room is cleared (albeit into our dining room, along with the stuff from the flat).

See you on the Wills and Probate board soon, hopefully saying how wonderfully smooth the new online system is.

Paul

DrFfybes wrote:Just to tie this up - after a couple of months of much improvement, socialising, and winning the quiz most weeks "because half of the buggers in here are puddled" mum took a turn for the worse a month ago with another stroke.

We'll gloss over the 50+ phone calls to the newly merged Manchester NHS Trust who moved her but had no record of when, and after returning to the home she made a few gradual improvements before a sudden steep decline last week, and finally passing over the weekend, literally days after we'd got all the paperwork in place at the solicitors to sell her flat under PoA.

My sister returned from France on the 22nd, so manage to see mum a few times, which was good, and has already booked the crem and the wake and the care home room is cleared (albeit into our dining room, along with the stuff from the flat).

See you on the Wills and Probate board soon, hopefully saying how wonderfully smooth the new online system is.

Paul

I am very sorry to read your report but on the other hand for an end of life outcome that surely had to be as good as it gets. I have a friend whose mother is 101, is miserable in a care home, is rather muddled and keeps saying she would rather not be here. All round that is thoroughly stressful.

Anyway hope the next stage goes as planned.

Dod

Paul
I am sorry for your loss

I am pleased to hear your mum had a winning streak in the quiz. My sister is another quiz queen, I know how much they enjoy it.

We are always here if you need to chat
Big hugs
S

Thanks for the wishes, it is a learning process.

For example I didn't realise that government guidance to Banks was to spend 5 mins trying to direct you to their website, before putting you on hold for 25 minutes, then cutting you off.

Twice

Paul

DrFfybes wrote:Thanks for the wishes, it is a learning process.

For example I didn't realise that government guidance to Banks was to spend 5 mins trying to direct you to their website, before putting you on hold for 25 minutes, then cutting you off.

Twice

Paul

Oh dear
So this happens calling the bereavement numbers now?

That's appalling.

ETA - just found this which might be of use?

https://www.deathnotificationservice.co.uk/portal.ofml

Sunnypad wrote:

DrFfybes wrote:Thanks for the wishes, it is a learning process.

For example I didn't realise that government guidance to Banks was to spend 5 mins trying to direct you to their website, before putting you on hold for 25 minutes, then cutting you off.

Twice

Paul

Oh dear
So this happens calling the bereavement numbers now?

That's appalling.

ETA - just found this which might be of use?

https://www.deathnotificationservice.co.uk/portal.ofml

Thanks,

wierdly their system had pulled my infor over from my current avccount incorrecty.

I got through to a real person on Thu or Fri, she corrected the info on their system, which requested me to upload a scan of the Will, she then checked it and pushed it on and with an hour I had the balance at Death and (nearly) all the info I needed.

Of course had they still had a branch within an hour of here it could have been done in 15 mins.

One thing worth noting is that when you finally succumb to their incessant requests to go paperless, as soon as you notify them of the death you lose access to any bank statements.

Paul

Paul
So sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything

it sounds like you bank with the same bank as your mum?

I'm about to post some queries myself on the nightmare of digital. I am starting to think my mum and sister were clever in refusing to engage with any of it.

Sunnypad wrote:Paul
So sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything

it sounds like you bank with the same bank as your mum?

I'm about to post some queries myself on the nightmare of digital. I am starting to think my mum and sister were clever in refusing to engage with any of it.

The same bank, except my paying in book says "Williams and Glyn". Her statement folder says "Williams Deacon". TBH their service has declines dramatically in the last few years, but it was easier dealing with mum's stuff under PoA having one login. Ive just opened a Lloyds account this afternoon (went into branch with ID, got home to emails with all the info telling me it was ready to use). I could have opened it all online, had I had a smartphone to take a selfie to verify my scanned photo ID.

Digital is fine, as long as you keep paper backups

Paul