I knew it

[simsqu]

This story was of course only a matter of time. I am surprised it took so long

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-politi ... oll-logjam

[jfgw]

We might have to start using both sides or find an alternative.

Suggested alternatives:
Newspaper,
Junk mail,
Geese,
Moss,
Plant leaves (not nettles),
some cloth tied to the end of a stick,
Rocks (apparently, according to a few websites),
Snow (recommended if you had vindaloo the night before).

Julian F. G. W.

[malkymoo]

According to Rabelais, the neck of a goose is the best alternative.

[AleisterCrowley]

According to Rabelais, the neck of a goose is the best alternative.

Not for the goose.

[UncleIan]

According to Rabelais, the neck of a goose is the best alternative.

Is the goose still alive at this point? And do you wipe with the lay of the feathers, from head to body, or body to head, against the lay of the feathers?

[malkymoo]

Live. If you want more detail there is a whole chapter on the matter here:

https://ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/r/rabela ... k1.13.html

Here is a sample, makes it sound a better experience than Andrex:

"But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, [expletive deleted], bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains."

written sometime in the 16th century, so well out of copyright

[GoSeigen]

According to Rabelais, the neck of a goose is the best alternative.

Is the goose still alive at this point? And do you wipe with the lay of the feathers, from head to body, or body to head, against the lay of the feathers?

For proper technique, see the end of the film "Black Cat White Cat (1998)":

https://movie-screencaps.com/black-cat- ... t-1998/81/


GS

[simsqu]

I'm ready for no deal!!

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/imag ... RvAkl4aE8A

[UncleEbenezer]

written sometime in the 16th century, so well out of copyright

The translation - and possibly the edition - would be the works of possible concern for copyright purposes.

But posting a line or two here would presumably come under fair use, regardless.

[stewamax]

if you hold her head betwixt your legs

Within an elastic band around the beak first...

[monabri]

Well, if we do have a "logjam" then lack of toilet paper shouldn't be a problem

[malkymoo]

written sometime in the 16th century, so well out of copyright

The translation - and possibly the edition - would be the works of possible concern for copyright purposes.

But posting a line or two here would presumably come under fair use, regardless.

As the translation dates back to the 17th century I think it is probably safe to quote.

[Clitheroekid]

I was frankly amazed to discover that the average Brit consumes 110 loo rolls a year - that's two a week, and two and a half times the European average - https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-st ... -1-5754027

I can't say I've ever previously measured how long a roll lasts, but judging on how often I buy them it would be at least two weeks, probably three, which equates to maybe 20 rolls a year.

So what on earth is the average person doing that they use 5 times as much loo roll as I do? I really do find it quite staggering.

Of course there's no such thing as a standard loo roll. Consulting the Toilet Roll Encyclopedia (yes, it really does exist - http://encyclopedia.toiletpaperworld.co ... nformation) a traditional two-ply roll (does anyone really use one-ply?) contains 500 sheets. However, I noted wryly that it says, "The consumer market has many different size rolls. Some rolls only have 200 sheets!"

And on further researching I discovered that the market leader, Andrex, earned the opprobrium of that exclamation mark by reducing its rolls in 2017 from 221 sheets to just 200 - https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/articl ... heets.html (where else!)

I've just checked, and the paper I use, Tesco Luxury Soft, contains 220 sheets per roll. And having given the matter some careful cogitation I reckon that on an average day (after a curry-free night!) I'd use between 10 and 20 sheets. That ties in with my estimate above of a roll lasting two to three weeks.

If these stats are based on the `standard' of 500 sheets a roll, that's 55,000 sheets a year used by the average Brit - or 150 sheets a day FFS! Even if they were all using stingy old Andrex rolls it's still 60 sheets a day.

And that's an average. I can't see that my usage is in any way unusual, so I'd think there must be many more like me who use far less than that average figure, which means that the rest of the population must be using it on a truly industrial scale.

Which brings me back to my original question - what on earth are people doing with all that loo roll? And why are they doing it at 2.5 times the rest of Europe?

[Alaric]

Which brings me back to my original question - what on earth are people doing with all that loo roll?

Using it instead of tissues or handkerchiefs to blow your nose is one answer.

[kiloran]

I was frankly amazed to discover that the average Brit consumes 110 loo rolls a year - that's two a week, and two and a half times the European average - https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-st ... -1-5754027

If my wife moved to europe, the balance would very much tip the other way.

Alternatively, do they have more geese in europe?

--kiloran

[nimnarb]

I was frankly amazed to discover that the average Brit consumes 110 loo rolls a year - that's two a week, and two and a half times the European average - https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-st ... -1-5754027

I can't say I've ever previously measured how long a roll lasts, but judging on how often I buy them it would be at least two weeks, probably three, which equates to maybe 20 rolls a year.

So what on earth is the average person doing that they use 5 times as much loo roll as I do? I really do find it quite staggering.

Of course there's no such thing as a standard loo roll. Consulting the Toilet Roll Encyclopedia (yes, it really does exist - http://encyclopedia.toiletpaperworld.co ... nformation) a traditional two-ply roll (does anyone really use one-ply?) contains 500 sheets. However, I noted wryly that it says, "The consumer market has many different size rolls. Some rolls only have 200 sheets!"

And on further researching I discovered that the market leader, Andrex, earned the opprobrium of that exclamation mark by reducing its rolls in 2017 from 221 sheets to just 200 - https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/articl ... heets.html (where else!)

I've just checked, and the paper I use, Tesco Luxury Soft, contains 220 sheets per roll. And having given the matter some careful cogitation I reckon that on an average day (after a curry-free night!) I'd use between 10 and 20 sheets. That ties in with my estimate above of a roll lasting two to three weeks.

If these stats are based on the `standard' of 500 sheets a roll, that's 55,000 sheets a year used by the average Brit - or 150 sheets a day FFS! Even if they were all using stingy old Andrex rolls it's still 60 sheets a day.

And that's an average. I can't see that my usage is in any way unusual, so I'd think there must be many more like me who use far less than that average figure, which means that the rest of the population must be using it on a truly industrial scale.

Which brings me back to my original question - what on earth are people doing with all that loo roll? And why are they doing it at 2.5 times the rest of Europe?

Heard somewhere that men in Europe, particular the French, shave their bums more than we do(anyone here guilty of this pleasure? BNC?) So the light shines out of the a-hole and less paper used. Surprised that Snorvey hasn't chimed in, he being the expert in this department. Think we spend an average of 1.5 years just sitting on the toilet! Beats talking about Brexit.

Wetwipes.......delightful.

[UncleIan]

Heard somewhere that men in Europe, particular the French, shave their bums more than we do(anyone here guilty of this pleasure? BNC?) So the light shines out of the a-hole and less paper used.

Absolutely not! You don't want a razor cut, or ingrowing hairs down below*. Give it a good wash, they don't call it sham-poo for nothing, rinse and repeat. If you're worried about dandruff just use Head & Shoulders & Bumcrack. A good conditioner keeps the bum hair glossy, the turd just slips off.

* In all seriousness...this is actually a "marginal gain" for female pro cyclists!
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/blog/ ... ore-medals

[Leothebear]

Wetwipes.......delightful.

Not supposed to be flushed though. Wouldn't fancy keeping used ones in a bin.

When you think of the nature of the stuff they deal with and the volumes of it, I think our unsung heroes at the sewage plants up and down the country
deserve a special mention in this fine thread.

Leo

[swill453]

When you think of the nature of the stuff they deal with and the volumes of it, I think our unsung heroes at the sewage plants up and down the country
deserve a special mention in this fine thread.

Apparently fatbergs are far more prevalent in affluent areas, as they're more likely to use (and flush) wetwipes and "luxury" toilet paper.

Scott.

[nimnarb]

Give it a good wash, they don't call it sham-poo for nothing