Question

[Howyoudoin]

have you done similar when you've gone out for the evening?

Or could you?

Is she actually saying "you don;t pull your weight in the house" ?

(No idea - not intending to sound judgemental! But after 25 years this is why I get "asked" to do chores it seems. On top of sorting everything financial.)

didds

She knows I'm inherently lazy when it comes to household chores. That's why I had a cleaner before I met her. We currently have an arrangement whereby I do half the shopping, the hoovering, the washing up and any maintenance jobs around the place that need doing. She does pretty much everything else, including the ironing (which I hate), so I'm under no illusion that I've got a pretty good deal here.

It was just being left a list of things to do while she went out that rankled. But not enough for me to make a fuss (in front of her) in case she hands me the iron!

HYD

[didds]

LOL.

I don't see why you need to iron anything - presumably you don;t need your stuff ironing etc . Like me!

didds

[Watis]

Here's another approach that's more proactive:

Have your own list ready so that, on these evenings, you can mention that you'll be doing this, that and the other while she's out. Ideally, these will be tasks that can be made to appear that they will fill your evening but which will, in practice, leave you plenty of time to do what you want.

Watis

[Howyoudoin]

https://romancecompass.com/blog/marrying-a-russian-woman/how-to-please-your-russian-wife-and-what-to-expect-in-return/

A few tips?

John

Ha ha, thanks. Forewarned is forearmed as they say!

HYD

[bungeejumper]

https://romancecompass.com/blog/marrying-a-russian-woman/how-to-please-your-russian-wife-and-what-to-expect-in-return/

Strewth, RS, that wasn't a very marriage-safe link, was it? Not what I'd have really wanted to have on my screen as my wife walked in with my coffee.

And she forgot the biscuits....

BJ

[brightncheerful]

…and do it wrong.
. . . and she'll never ask you to do it again.

Hmm. Mrs Bnc has a 'special needs' voice for talking to me, or rather telling me why I've done it wrong and how to avoid going wrong next time. Personally i find the sound of her voice endearing and am often so moved by the experience that I stop listening to what she's actually saying. Whereupon the 'instruction' is taken to the next stage where she reminds me that she's already told me once and how many more times does she have to say the same thing before it sinks into that thick head of mine. My hazarding a guess as to the number rarely goes down well when she is in that sort of mood.

A few months ago when our TV conked out and I managed to get our TV installer out of retirement to come and set up the new one, Mrs Bnc was so adamant that she should enter the various set up codes despite getting into a muddle over what keys to press on the remote that in the presence of the installer our dialogue (me say: please let me do it; she say: no i want to do it) got to such fever pitch that installer remarked that divorce was on the cards. How we laughed; at least I did. Finally Mrs Bnc conceded and handed the remote to me. After the set-up was completed and the installer had left, Mrs Bnc apologised. By then I'd forgotten all about it.

Mind you, we've only been married getting on for 26 years.

In my opinion, the important thing to remember about marriage is that, except for permanence, it is no different from any other relationship. I define 'relationship' as the means by or through which two or more people help one another in some way and at some level to achieve a shared objective. Help can be practical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. Important to define one's terms, or else there is the risk of misunderstanding. Before Mrs Bnc and I got married, we asked and answered what each wanted to achieve from being married. Our answers have held us in good stead - despite Mrs Bnc taking much of what i say far too literally/seriously and not having the same sense of humour!

[sg31]

.

In my opinion, the important thing to remember about marriage is that, except for permanence, it is no different from any other relationship. I define 'relationship' as the means by or through which two or more people help one another in some way and at some level to achieve a shared objective. Help can be practical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. Important to define one's terms, or else there is the risk of misunderstanding. Before Mrs Bnc and I got married, we asked and answered what each wanted to achieve from being married. Our answers have held us in good stead - despite Mrs Bnc taking much of what i say far too literally/seriously and not having the same sense of humour!

A very interesting comment which is similar to my take on marriage.

Each of you needs to get something of value from the relationship or there is no point in staying in it. If you forget that and just take from the other person don't be surprised if they move on.

[melonfool]

It would never cross my mind to leave someone a list.

I tend to assume adults are capable of managing their own lives in the way they wish. I suppose I might leave a "don't forget the plumber is coming at three" or something as, for whatever reason, no male I have ever lived with has been able to keep such mundane details of daily life in their heads (though, for some other reason, I can!).

But, if they turned out to be the sort who then didn't manage their life in a sensible way, I would leave them.

This explains, and I'm sure I've posted this before:

https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/0 ... -the-sink/

So, no, she should not leave a list. But also she should know there is no need for her to.

In fact, my ex had a predilection for writing me lists of things to do, under the guise of "if I don't, you won't get round to doing stuff" ('stuff' being things he wanted me to do, not things I wanted to do or things I felt needed doing - they never got on the list, but I still did them, so if I added his list things I'd end up with a lot of stuff to do).

Mel

[sg31]

, no male I have ever lived with has been able to keep such mundane details of daily life in their heads (though, for some other reason, I can!).
Mel

Guilty as charged. However I know I forget the trivial and mundane things in life so I make a list. It seems to work but it can drive my wife crazy. I like to be organised, for example we live in the country so if we go into town shopping I like to get everything in the one trip. There might be multiple places to go and a number of specific items from each. If I have a list I can decide on the most efficient route so I don't end up driving from one end of town to the other only to have to drive back to visit another shop.

My wife can remember everything in her head but is quite happy driving round town all day, criss crossing from one shop to another, even driving past a shop she needs to visit because she's going to another 'now and will do that one later'.' Why?' is never answered.

In other things my wife is much more organised than I am. Going on holiday, she does the packing.....for days, I'm quite happy to put stuff in the case the day before, I know what I will need clothes wise and apart from that I know the essentials, if I forget something there are shops and I can buy what I need.

We rub along very happily, we both have our quirks but they tend to raise a wry smile these days rather than cause an upset. They say you can get used to anything given time. The big things we pull in the same direction. The little things? Who cares.

[tjh290633]

Don't start on packing for holidays. I do mine the morning of departure. Hers takes several days preparation, and will often result in something being forgotten, or mislaid on unpacking.

The random walk round the supermarket is something I have never understood. With a list I know the best route around and can pick up forgotten items as I go past. Then you are unloading the trolley at the checkout when she says "I'll just get something else I've remembered". I usually go on my own these days.

TJH

[scotia]

It would never cross my mind to leave someone a list.

Just wait until your partner is 75, and they will be pleased to see a written list, rather than having to wrack their brains trying to remember what reasonable tasks you had requested them to carry out

[brightncheerful]

For my task manager, I use the online browser-based app Todoist - todoist.com (no connection)

Tasks can be shared (with more than one other person) so I got the same app for Mrs Bnc so she has it on her smartphone and desktop. She finds TD very useful as do I for our respective individual tasks. Apart from shared tasks such as holidays, we use the shared feature when we want to remind each other of appointments, days out, or need a written list of what to buy when I go to the supermarket for shopping as I now do every week. We can add the item to TD with or without a due date and delete it when done or simply change the date if the item is repetitive. Recurring tasks can also be set up. When I'm in the supermarket and unsure whether to buy something or if Mrs Bnc forgot to put it on the list before I went out, she can add the item to TD as I go. For matters arising, I text Mrs Bnc, she replies and updates the task. After I buy, I either delete the task or change the due date so that I/we don't have to redo the list.

I also find TD very useful for our stock of supplies. We buy a lot of things in bulk (not to save money necessarily but to avoid having to keep buying things we use every day/week) so I keep a running total of remaining supplies so I can top-up whenever shopping where the item can be bought.

[sg31]

b'nc', you are the master of lists and organisation. I bow my unworthy head to you.

[melonfool]

It would never cross my mind to leave someone a list.

Just wait until your partner is 75, and they will be pleased to see a written list, rather than having to wrack their brains trying to remember what reasonable tasks you had requested them to carry out

In case you missed my point - it is not my role to allocate any tasks to other adults (outside of work), reasonable or not.

Mel

[bungeejumper]

Don't start on packing for holidays. I do mine the morning of departure. Hers takes several days preparation, and will often result in something being forgotten, or mislaid on unpacking.

Look on the bright side. At least you get to see how many bags there are going to be before you set off. My better half waits until I've packed the car, including all the bags that she's put out in the hallway - at which point she produces her last-minute shoe bag and her last-minute make-up and wash bag, each of which are the size of a rolled-up mattress.

Leaving me to wonder whether I should (a) make a fuss, or (b) nip out quickly and buy a bigger car? But hey, such niggles are just part and parcel of any successful marriage. Why, I daresay I've got a few shortcomings of my own, if only I could think of some.

BJ

[simsqu]

You're all nuts

We don't plan anything. We just do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.

What's the problem?

[AleisterCrowley]

If you don't make a list, how do you know when things need to be done?

[bungeejumper]

“There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.” (Quentin Crisp)

[Howyoudoin]

If you don't make a list, how do you know when things need to be done?

Yep, we all make lists of some sort, whether we like it or not.

If you're able to 'list' everything in your memory without the need to commit to paper/diary/calendar, good luck to you but I'm afraid my memory isn't that good.

HYD

[Gaggsy]

Housework? Pah! Just sweep the room with a glance.