Neighbours from hello

[brightncheerful]

According to an unreliable source, this is what really happened…

For some time. Brianna had suspicions that the neighbours were eavesdropping. To live south of the Thames is to risk infestation from vermin but one does not expect to find bugs in one's bedroom. Confiding in her boyfriend, Kevin, between them they worked out a plan to expose the perpetrator.

First off was to get the law on their side. As an MP and an ambitious one at that, Kevin had a word with one of his mates in crime prevention that if they should receive a call about something untoward going on in Brianna's flat then the boys in blue should turn up asap make enquiries and be satisfied nothing amiss. To add to the excitement, police cars would be parked under lampposts to ensure number plates could be photographed in the darkness.

Of the neighbours, all that Brianna knew was that the husband, Brett, is an unsuccessful playwright and the wife, Sonya, is an American drama queen. Apart from them having overpaid for their flat, all in all nothing to write home about.

Rather than draw attention to themselves in public and to avoid giving the impression all is well, Brianna and Kevin decided to have some quiet nights in. One evening strange noises and hearing Brett call out ok, it's okay, relax, I'm coming, Brianna breathed a sight of relief and realises that Sonya and Brett are into take-away food. Peering out from behind the curtained windows of her flat onto the quiet street below, Brianna spots the familiar v-sign of a take-away delivery driver.

Ah hah, exclaimed Kevin. But Brianna was already onto it. She rang the take-away company and said, hello this is Sonya at (address), I'm reaching out to say that your driver is just delivering our order. It's not convenient for him to come up right now so I wonder if you would ask him to text my husband to come down stairs to get the order. Ok? Good, thanks. Have a nice day to you, too.

After listening to Brett stomp downstairs, Brianna and Kevin set to work. As Kevin uncorked another bottle of red, he thought to himself what a waste as he poured the wine onto the sofa. In the kitchen Brianna took from a cupboard an oversized dinner plate she'd intended to give to a charity shop and placed it on the edge of the table. She was about to gently nudge it onto the floor when Kevin sidled up to her and whispered not like that. Thumping his fist down, crash. Unfortunately, a sliver of china fell onto Brianna's leg causing so much pain that when Kevin tried to remove it she couldn't take any more anquish so shouted get off me.

To demonstrate his seriously caring nature, despite having looked at his watch and realised that he should be somewhere else, Kevin wanted to stay and help Brianna clear up the mess. But no, she said, I'll do it, you go. The more he insisted the more she protested. In the end there was only one thing for it: get out of my flat she shouted.

As Kevin was putting on his jacket, Brianna looked at the sofa then at Kevin and said shame about the sofa. Kevin said never mind when I'm PM we'll buy another. Brianna remembered how she scrimped and saved, how many boring politicians she'd had to tolerate before she met Kevin. You don’t care about money, she shouted at him from the kitchen where with Kevin's computer balanced precariously on her knee she was browsing the John Lewis website for sofas. By then Kevin was ready to play their trump card. With all his might, he shouted get off my f***ing laptop which would have been enough had it not been for the sound of his booming voice vibrating through her flat and causing her to upset the computer onto the floor. A loud crashing noise. Kevin looked at his watch again. Golly, see what time it is. Silence.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Kevin whispered to Brianna, who on earth is that at this time of night? No idea, says Brianna. Perhaps it's the neighbour? says Brianna, a smile on her face. Kevin got down on his hands and knees and peered through a crack under the door. Yes. Another knock. Kevin and Brianna remain still. A third knock. As they hear the neighbour walking away, Brianna and Kevin have difficulty stifling their laughter.

I really ought to be leaving now says Kevin, looking at his watch again. Brianna replies you've got until 31 October. Kevin smiles lovingly. Just as he was about to open the door, another knock and this time they hear Police open up. Enter two policeman. We've a report of a disturbance here and just need to check everything is okay. Policeman 1 looks concernedly at Brianna and asks are you alright. miss? Yes, thank you, officer. Policeman 2 stares accusingly at Kevin; assesses his untidy hair and dishellved clothing and is about to ask when Brianna butts in and says it's alright officer, Kevin normally looks like that, I'd be worried if he didn't. Do you mind if we have a look around says polceman 1. The policemen go into the kitchen, notice the smashed plate in bits on the floor and the damaged laptop on its side. In the living room, policeman 1 goes to check the red stain on the sofa, realises it's not blood and says to Brianna the thing to remove that stain is to pour white wine on it. Thank you officer says Brianna, Kevin nods with approval.

As the policemen are about to leave, Brianna asks who contacted them. One of your neighbours, says policeman 1. Who asks Brianna. The people upstairs, says the policeman. Oh, Brett and Sonya, the noisy ones. Noisy? asks a policeman. Yes, says Brianna, they're always having take-away food delivered late at night, drivers ringing the bell and banging on the front door of the building. They've only lived upstairs about a year but act like they own the place. Would you mind awfully, officer, assuring them everything’s ok, nothing to worry about. Certainly miss, goodnight sir.

After the police have left, Brianna hugs Kevin and says thank you for your help, I couldn't have done it without your support. What do you think the neighbour will do now, asks Kevin. Probably sell their story to the newspapers says Brianna. Why would they do that asks Kevin? To try to discredit you, you chump. Me? Yes you. But I thought this was about you, said Kevin. No says Brianna, it's only ever been about you.

Which newspaper says Kevin. The Graniad, says Brianna. Why the Graniad? Because says Brianna they cater for mostly self-opinionated readers that think they have the right to poke their noses into other peoples business. You wait, it'll be headlines. Well, says Kevin, what can I do about it? No comment says Brianna, no comment.

[scottnsilky]

That reminds me of something I heard recently, but I just can't put my finger on it.....

[swill453]

That Brett's a master of multitasking, having the presence of mind to record his neighbours' argument while descending the stairs to collect his takeaway.

I understand in another similar case the argument was so loud that it was possible to do this from the comfort of the apartment.

Scott.

[Stonge]

Honestly, you couldn't make this up...

[terminal7]

A nice photo of the loved one that should of course not be dragged into this imbroglio appears all over the press this morning. Where did this photo come from I hear you all ask? How did the MailOnline get this exclusive. Beats me guv. Anyway looks like Fabricus' hair from the back - now that would be a story.

T7

[swill453]

A nice photo of the loved one that should of course not be dragged into this imbroglio appears all over the press this morning. Where did this photo come from I hear you all ask?

The back catalogue, I understand.

Scott.