The Lemon Fool

Grrr, is it just me? Another six month old toilet seat, and the screw fittings have bust again, and the wife's complaining that the seat's all wonky on the pan,and we've got visitors coming, and how will we cope with the shame of it, and what am I going to do about it?

If the stupid plastic wingnut thing doesn't break, the teensy short threaded rod will have wormed its way out of the hinge fitting (or, indeed, it may have stripped out the thread completely). And the ever-so-clever revolving hinge plates, that were supposed to let you fit the seat onto any number of loo pan configurations, are now getting suspiciously loose and floppy. Even though I've tightened them until I fear for the porcelain.

And I've gone and paid thirty quid for this three-day wonder, and the garage is slowly filling up with damaged toilet seats because the wife always says we ought to keep them because it seems a shame to put them all in the skip because only one part of them is broken, and you never know when you might need a spare. (I have no idea what she's talking about, but my mind is whirling at the sinister suggestions. )

Truth to tell, we did find one loo lid in a hotel bedroom which we both agreed was superb. Well made, sturdy, nicely shaped (even). I looked it up when we got home, and it was £550. Dream on, dear, nobody looks that hard at a bog top, and my third eye couldn't give a damn anyway.

Thank you for listening. Ob sensible question: can you get proper bog lid fittings (and I don't mean the ones in a Welpac envelope?)

BJ

Do you know that the fixings are readily available separately ?
So, perhaps you don't need to buy a complete new seat every time.

richlist wrote:So, perhaps you don't need to buy a complete new seat every time.

Indeed. Hence my final question

Have just taken a closer look, and yes, the cheapo Chinese bolts are stripping their threads and the tubular plastic washers that are supposed to hold the hinges in place have split to boggery. Nice going for six months' use. No wonder it was wobbly.

As a temporary measure I've replaced the plastic nuts with steel and slathered the threads in Loctite. Should buy me a couple of weeks until I can find a quality supplier. B&Q need not apply.

BJ

bungeejumper wrote:...

BJ, can I just ask, what the blazes do you get up to on your toilet seat? C.

csearle wrote:BJ, can I just ask, what the blazes do you get up to on your toilet seat? C.

Oh, the usual. Practising my dance moves, pirouetting on one leg, yogic flying, sacrificing the occasional chicken. Own up, now, doesn't everyone?

BJ

BJ,

Do you sit down on the seat or do you get the vital piece of anatomy a couple of inches from the seat and then think "what the hell" and let gravity do the rest of the job?

The latter is inclined to give the seat quite a jolt which in turn will give the fixings a hard time.

Just asking ...

Meatyfool..

Meatyfool wrote:Do you sit down on the seat or do you get the vital piece of anatomy a couple of inches from the seat and then think "what the hell" and let gravity do the rest of the job?

My dear Meaty, you are letting your imagination run away with you. By far the most wrecked apparatus in the house is the one that's usually favoured by the ladies. Accordingly, I cannot, unfortunately, shed much light. But if it's connected in any way with their ability to get through a sixteen-pack of bog roll in a weekend, I believe we may be onto something.

BJ

This site (and others you can google) have quite a lot of useful advice. Best to get fully stainless steel fittings. A plumbers merchant would be the pace to go, not B&Q et al.

http://www.diydoctor.org.uk/projects/toilet-seat.htm

Why aren't you on the grumpy fools (sorry, bitter lemons) board?

You want a nice oldfashioned privy. Flat wood, with a hole in for your business. Or - as I recollect them - a row of such holes, so the night soil builds up less quickly than in a single pile.

UncleEbenezer wrote:You want a nice oldfashioned privy. Flat wood, with a hole in for your business. Or - as I recollect them - a row of such holes, so the night soil builds up less quickly than in a single pile.

You were lucky!

We couldn't afford a plank to cut the hole in, so me mam and dad had to stand each side of me and hold me up by me elbows while I crouched down and got on with things. We couldn't wait until t'stuff had built up in t'hole, because that were t'guest extension for me auntie, and she'd need it by nightfall. We did try putting t'stuff onto t'roses, but they didn't taste very good, so eventually we started selling it instead. After only fifteen years we'd got enough money to put a roof on t'privy. And life started to get a bit easier after that.

BJ

We used to find two trees next to each other, then put the AK-47 derivative between them and lean back on the skis, holding the assault rifle.