Remove ads

Introducing the LemonFools Personal Finance Calculators

Fed up

A friendly ear
Thegp
Posts: 5
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:17 pm
Has thanked: 1 time
Been thanked: 6 times

Fed up

#98705

Postby Thegp » November 25th, 2017, 9:52 am

I lurk more than post but have to vent somewhere.

I’ve been married for well over 10 years and have 2 lovely children. Sadly the spark went out on my marriage years ago but that’s fine, it happens and I’d settled for i

A few years ago I met someone else, who was also married, and we had an affair. Don’t feel brilliant about this and of course I know it’s not fair on my wife etc. But there are reasons why our marriage was not good and it got to that stage

Now of course what started as some fun has finished up with me being totally in love with the other woman
She divorced her husband for other reasons and now is looking for someone else. As I’m not available I can’t ask her to wait and want her to be happy

So the summary of the situation is if I leave I ruin my kids life, my wife’s life and financially ruin myself probably.

If I stay I let the love of my life slip away forever

The third option is just ending it all. In a no win situation there’s only one certain outcome

Itsallaguess
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1788
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:16 pm
Has thanked: 259 times
Been thanked: 804 times

Re: Fed up

#98708

Postby Itsallaguess » November 25th, 2017, 10:07 am

Thegp wrote:
The third option is just ending it all.


If you're seriously considering that, then you really should talk to someone about it. Simply sharing your issues with someone not connected to you at all might help you see what the best thing to do, for you, is.

The second point I'd say, if talking to someone about this is something you really couldn't consider doing, is to just go and do what you really want to do, rather than seriously consider the above third option.

I'm sure everyone in your life right now would prefer you to be happy, even if it meant that there's a chance that they were not, rather than lose you completely.

Best wishes,

Itsallaguess

Sussexlad
2 Lemon pips
Posts: 159
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 12:49 pm
Has thanked: 29 times
Been thanked: 23 times

Re: Fed up

#98755

Postby Sussexlad » November 25th, 2017, 1:22 pm

Hi

My two-penneth, is that it's highly likely that an affair is nothing like day-to-day life and as you have already discovered, that initial excitement can quickly dissipate. That attraction/excitement must be even greater and possibly misleading, when set against a miserable background and will quite easily skew your judgement.

Having said that, if you are really convinced that your present happiness can't be improved, then remaining in that unhappy situation serves no one well and I suspect children can deal with honesty far better than they are given credit for.

Life flies by and ending up with little but regrets, is really heartbreaking but such life-changing decisions are never, ever easy.

Good luck.

Braziers
Posts: 6
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 12:50 pm
Been thanked: 2 times

Re: Fed up

#98772

Postby Braziers » November 25th, 2017, 1:48 pm


vrdiver
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1091
Joined: November 5th, 2016, 2:22 am
Has thanked: 157 times
Been thanked: 321 times

Re: Fed up

#98820

Postby vrdiver » November 25th, 2017, 6:02 pm

Firstly, congratulations for posting: talking to us lot is a beginning!

As Itsallaguess advised, you really need to talk to somebody: your kids may not like having their dad move out, but that's nothing to how they'll feel if you end it all. Please, please take time to consider your options.

The Samaritans will talk, will listen, will meet face to face or over the phone. They don't judge, but can really help you to work through what you want and need to do.

Come back and post here, just to let us know you're hanging in there.
VRD

Thegp
Posts: 5
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:17 pm
Has thanked: 1 time
Been thanked: 6 times

Re: Fed up

#98843

Postby Thegp » November 25th, 2017, 7:55 pm

Thank you for the kind thoughtful replies. It’s more than I deserve
I’m hanging in there
No idea what to do other than nothing. But the pain is unbearable

gadjet
Posts: 18
Joined: November 6th, 2016, 5:45 pm

Re: Fed up

#98863

Postby gadjet » November 25th, 2017, 10:06 pm

Just do what we suggest and talk to The Samaritans. They are available at all times.

Do you have photos of your kids ? If so, look at these and think how they would react if you ended it all .

Also , do keep posting here , but no need to tell us all the details which, hopefully, you can talk to The Samaritans about.

Sue

beeswax
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1596
Joined: December 20th, 2016, 11:20 pm
Has thanked: 2 times
Been thanked: 156 times

Re: Fed up

#98871

Postby beeswax » November 25th, 2017, 11:13 pm

Its good to talk!

I'm sure you have considered all the alternatives and all we can offer is an opinion based on our own life's experience.

Is it a sexual attraction thing? It makes the world go around but as the Cliff Richard Song the Young Ones says, love is fleeting and we are not the young ones very long and so if it is 'sexual love' attraction things, its powerful, no doubt about it and people can fall in and out of that kind of love the whole time. But there are other kinds of love too. Love that endures through all the ups and downs of life that most of us experience! Of course It could be other things where you can't stand one another no matter what and if it wasn't another woman its something other reason and maybe its worth considering what she is going through too and not just yourself and are you making things harder for her? Perhaps she knows what is going on and not saying much but fears the worst?

I've heard it said don't do this or that as the kids will suffer etc. As said, its just my opinion too that they are more resilient than we think and its far worse for them living in a terrible relationship of their parents and they soon get over the idea of separation as long as one is looking after their needs.

I know that being married 49 years now is no picnic. We could have separated no end of times and who knows whether we would have found happiness with someone else and then regretted it later? Sometimes its good to see what is good and what is bad in a relationship and then sit down together to try and resolve them and at the end its not reconcilable then sometimes a trial separation can work?

What never works is suicide and to end it all and just makes things worse for everyone.

All the best and it really is best to try and talk it through with others, not least your partner. All the best,

Mike

Thegp
Posts: 5
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:17 pm
Has thanked: 1 time
Been thanked: 6 times

Re: Fed up

#98915

Postby Thegp » November 26th, 2017, 10:51 am

It isn’t just a sexual attraction thing (although obviously that’s a factor) it’s more the emotional connection which I think I find it hard to bear losing

It’s the oldest cliche in the book, man has affair, ruins his marriage but then the other woman gets rightly fed up of waiting and moves on. I’m scared I’d finish up with nothing
It may be in time, my feelings will fade if my true love has gone and moved on to someone else. I have to hope this is what happens. But it seems no way to live a life
Thanks again

didds
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1329
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 12:04 pm
Has thanked: 440 times
Been thanked: 148 times

Re: Fed up

#99171

Postby didds » November 27th, 2017, 10:38 am

All the above. Speak to people etc.

I also recall reading/hearing somewhere that the children of suicides are statistically far more likely to ckmmit suicide themselves. I don;t think you want that to potentially occur based on your clear love for your children.



Best wishes

didds

stevensfo
Lemon Slice
Posts: 314
Joined: November 5th, 2016, 8:43 am
Has thanked: 29 times
Been thanked: 48 times

Re: Fed up

#100046

Postby stevensfo » November 29th, 2017, 8:20 pm

I've heard it said don't do this or that as the kids will suffer etc. As said, its just my opinion too that they are more resilient than we think and its far worse for them living in a terrible relationship of their parents and they soon get over the idea of separation as long as one is looking after their needs.


So true. I know lots of people in this situation and, after the initial trauma, the kids just shrug and get on with school, friends, homework etc and visit Dad/Mum every week or whenever. They are incredibly resilient and, being kids, far more self-centred than people think. Life carries on and they adapt. The funny thing is that it seems to be worse for those friends and relatives who are expecting chaos and which doesn't materialise.

Re. suicide, well, do you really want your kids to have to go to your funeral and always remember you that way and with so many questions? That's just cruel!

Steve

Ashfordian
Lemon Slice
Posts: 544
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 5:47 pm
Has thanked: 91 times
Been thanked: 42 times

Re: Fed up

#100052

Postby Ashfordian » November 29th, 2017, 8:55 pm

Thegp wrote:So the summary of the situation is if I leave I ruin my kids life, my wife’s life and financially ruin myself probably.

If I stay I let the love of my life slip away forever

The third option is just ending it all. In a no win situation there’s only one certain outcome


If one of your children was a grown up adult and came to you asking for your advice on this situation how would you advise them?

Thegp
Posts: 5
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:17 pm
Has thanked: 1 time
Been thanked: 6 times

Re: Fed up

#100173

Postby Thegp » November 30th, 2017, 12:25 pm

So even though I’d leave my wife the other woman has said it wouldn’t work. She couldn’t live with the guilt and it would doom our relationship. Not to mention the impact on the kids

I need to bring myself back from the abyss and am really trying. But it’s hard, no one understands grieving for lost love when you’re having an affair

torata
Lemon Pip
Posts: 99
Joined: November 5th, 2016, 1:25 am
Has thanked: 22 times
Been thanked: 19 times

Re: Fed up

#109219

Postby torata » January 10th, 2018, 1:03 pm

Thegp wrote:So even though I’d leave my wife the other woman has said it wouldn’t work. She couldn’t live with the guilt and it would doom our relationship. Not to mention the impact on the kids

I need to bring myself back from the abyss and am really trying. But it’s hard, no one understands grieving for lost love when you’re having an affair


First time I've looked at this board.

I was in a similar situation about 1 year before you, so I will speak from my experience.

The other woman has said 'no', so you know where you are with her. However knowing and really knowing are two different things. You will end up torturing yourself unless you can train yourself to stop thoughts about her going through your mind. You have to force yourself to hate her to the same extent that you loved her - that will bring you back into some kind of equilibrium. And you have to cut contact completely for as long as it takes - possibly forever. That's all really hard, so having a friend you can trust who will back up that process helps.

I guess (hope) the suicide option is less of an issue. I read somewhere a guy describing pain/loss/sadness like being in the sea with huge waves crashing over you at any time - but gradually the waves become smaller and less frequent, but they do still come. You also need to consider if there's another underlying reason that makes you think that way... some other dissatisfaction, like you hate your job.

These two sets of feelings above, I have now come to believe, are controlled by your chimp brain (search 'chimp paradox' on youtube), and it's very hard to even notice the chimp taking over, until suddenly you realise your emotions are running full tilt and have been for the last 90 minutes.

The real question then is what to do with the marriage:
- try and repair? (that does not mean revealing the affair - why should your wife and kids now suffer to make you feel less guilty?)
- divorce?
- ignore the issue, and wait until the next other woman comes along?

I don't know anyone who regrets getting divorced, but that could always be cognitive bias (read "Stumbling on Happiness"). But I do know that in life we tend to regret the things we didn't do, rather than the things we did do.

torata

gbjbaanb
Lemon Slice
Posts: 338
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 52 times
Been thanked: 32 times

Re: Fed up

#109243

Postby gbjbaanb » January 10th, 2018, 3:29 pm

Thegp wrote:So even though I’d leave my wife the other woman has said it wouldn’t work. She couldn’t live with the guilt and it would doom our relationship. Not to mention the impact on the kids

I need to bring myself back from the abyss and am really trying. But it’s hard, no one understands grieving for lost love when you’re having an affair


Well in that case you have fewer options. Its obvious you have to stay with the wife and still see the fancy woman. so fine, start working out how to achieve that. The first advice is simply to be best friends with the wife. The second part is figure out how to resolve her needs, ideally she'd find someone else to have fun with so you end up as 2 buddies sharing a house (like many people do in their youth). It may be a bit of a hippie house, or it may be more like Friends, but who cares - you both end up with stability in your life and aren't disrupting everyone and causing grief all round whilst still being able to see the other woman as and when you like guilt-free.

Everyone tends to focus on traditional relationships, but there's no reason why you have to be part of that for no reason other than it seems like the right way you have to conform. so start getting the wife a life of her own - be very helpful and get her out there so she'll be less dependant on you, and she'll have fun, and that'll help, and maybe even she'll find someone of her own too.

Best advice I can give all round I think. Otherwise, go talk to someone professional.

Incidentally, what does your wife think.... you don't seem to have considered that and yet its very pertinent. for al you know, she's been shagging Juan from the local coffee shop for years :-) We don't know, and that information matters to making any decision.

ap8889
Lemon Slice
Posts: 863
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 10:55 am
Has thanked: 86 times
Been thanked: 185 times

Re: Fed up

#109311

Postby ap8889 » January 10th, 2018, 8:38 pm

Hi thegp,

Sorry to hear about your recent lows.

About 12 months ago I was contemplating taking my own life. I had the spot planned out, the necessary items and one more stressor was going to tip me over the edge, I just wanted to sleep forever, just to stop the anguish I was feeling. The void seems mighty appealing when in deep pain. I spent a lot of time reading other peoples stories on suicide forums and was generally as low as a snakes belly.

Luckily that final straw never actually arrived. An acquaintance saw I was low and picked me up with a sympathetic ear, my family treated me with great compassion, the apparent life-wreck that was destroying my peace of mind was slowly resolved, and over time I was able to gain a bit of distance and perspective. 2017 was a terrible, awful year but I didn't kill myself. I now know that it would have been a mistake to do so even if my worst fears was manifested. I would have missed out on so many good moments with my loved ones.

I still pass my planned suicide spot weekly. I know that it was my departure point, and I wryly wonder how I ever got so low. No one guesses the significance of this insignificant peaceful place, it is my dark secret. It is still there if I need it. I doubt I will. To others I have it all. Only a few know how close I got to the abyss. That I was saved by a kind gesture that gave me a chink of hope from a man I barely knew. I am so grateful for the chance because I nearly destroyed it all.

Talk to someone, hold your kids close. Don't take the exit. Stay upright and you won't regret it.

Hope that helps. It's from the heart.

JMN2
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1904
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:21 am
Has thanked: 297 times
Been thanked: 273 times

Re: Fed up

#109860

Postby JMN2 » January 12th, 2018, 1:00 pm

Pull yourself together, man! Women, wifes and girlfriends, great loves, come and go but family stays. " Everyone's suicidal, I'm suicidal, you're suicidal, have you killed yourself yet? No. So you're not suicidal are you?". For Pete's sake, they're just women, get yourself a new one, get back in the game. Go for a walk, go for a run, meet some other people, join a rambling society, meet someone new there, and try to cheer up.

Sussexlad
2 Lemon pips
Posts: 159
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 12:49 pm
Has thanked: 29 times
Been thanked: 23 times

Re: Fed up

#109986

Postby Sussexlad » January 12th, 2018, 6:55 pm

JMN2 wrote:Pull yourself together, man! Women, wifes and girlfriends, great loves, come and go but family stays. " Everyone's suicidal, I'm suicidal, you're suicidal, have you killed yourself yet? No. So you're not suicidal are you?". For Pete's sake, they're just women, get yourself a new one, get back in the game. Go for a walk, go for a run, meet some other people, join a rambling society, meet someone new there, and try to cheer up.


Not quite sure that's in the spirit of 'Comfort Cafe' ! How many men in particular, have been left and the children have been taken away too ? I'm also not clear how you're only suicidal once you're dead. Once your dead, your not exactly feeling suicidal are you ? I also get the impression you've never lost someone you really deeply loved. It can be absolutely heartbreaking and can't be compared to simply moving on to the next casual girlfriend. I agree however that it's not worth destroying your life over a single relationship but to suggest it's easy is mistaken.

Octavia100
Posts: 8
Joined: November 8th, 2016, 1:20 pm
Has thanked: 31 times
Been thanked: 3 times

Re: Fed up

#112526

Postby Octavia100 » January 22nd, 2018, 12:04 pm

Sussexlad wrote:
JMN2 wrote:Pull yourself together, man! Women, wifes and girlfriends, great loves, come and go but family stays. " Everyone's suicidal, I'm suicidal, you're suicidal, have you killed yourself yet? No. So you're not suicidal are you?". For Pete's sake, they're just women, get yourself a new one, get back in the game. Go for a walk, go for a run, meet some other people, join a rambling society, meet someone new there, and try to cheer up.


Not quite sure that's in the spirit of 'Comfort Cafe' ! How many men in particular, have been left and the children have been taken away too ? I'm also not clear how you're only suicidal once you're dead. Once your dead, your not exactly feeling suicidal are you ? I also get the impression you've never lost someone you really deeply loved. It can be absolutely heartbreaking and can't be compared to simply moving on to the next casual girlfriend. I agree however that it's not worth destroying your life over a single relationship but to suggest it's easy is mistaken.


I totally agree with Sussexlad. Telling someone to pull themselves together when they're that low could, in itself, push them over the edge. I agree that the spirit of Comfort Café is to offer a shoulder, not berate.

Thegp
Posts: 5
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 11:17 pm
Has thanked: 1 time
Been thanked: 6 times

Re: Fed up

#118968

Postby Thegp » February 18th, 2018, 7:23 pm

Thanks for the kind responses (and the lesser ones...)
I’m still here and not planning of checking out anytime soon

The analogy about the waves crashing and gradually getting smaller is very true and something I also see
Fingers crossed this continues


Return to “Comfort Cafe”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest