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One step forward....

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didds
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One step forward....

#163442

Postby didds » August 31st, 2018, 7:24 pm

just venting really. Feeling like its all bloody pointless.

55 years old. Bored with my (relatively well paid) job. No chance/reality of a job change at income commensurate with effective requirements. Mortgage 5.25 years to run though its actually quite low. As a family we have a decent lifestyle but I gave up trying to realistically save years ago as it seems beyond the wit of my family to help achieve that/help not just waste money . they are not profligate, just unable to use the best credit card for cashback, turn off lights, bother to check price per volume on anything they buy in a supermarket, pop out for a couple of things for tea and not spend £25 on nothing etc. How bloody difficult can it be to remember to use a silver credit card and not a green one?

My children between them owe us (me and mrs didds) circa 6K. one is just graduating. another has owed us a substantial fraction of that for around three years. He was unemployed for 18 months, and now employed 18 months. First thing he did when getting his job was to borrow 6K to buy a bloody BMW. between repayments on that and his £150 a month insurance abd fuel to get to work he has no money left. So he cannot [pay rent even if we change him and hasn't paid a bean off. The option is to throw him out the house. Yeah right. He seems to think he can still sell his car for the 6K he bought it for even though it now has a huge dent in the side where somebody reversed into him in a car park and drove off (he wasn't there etc). He has come home from work with the news that his excellent boss has been given a promotion. The likelihood is that his branch (national company with outlets in major towns etc) will close and he will lose his job - its little more than NMW and there are no local branches with any vacancies etc. The other option is that branch will operate with just three people (when he began there were seven) and the job will become untenable. I have sympathies but he seems as if he will just quit to save the hassle. Great. So the likelihood is that either way he will be unemployed again with no income at all . So no chance of rent or paying off his "debt" to us. He only got his job because his current boss is a chum Ive known for years. He has been looking for other jobs for around 6 months for a bit more salary but with absolutely no luck. So he'll basically be unemployed long term again. He sais he'll sell his car but he'll get stuff all for it - and he'll still need something so he can get a new job somewhere that isn't walkable (which is basically everywhere given where we live). He is convinced that if he let go/sacked/etc given he has been there less than two years he will nto be able to sign on, because he quit a job three years ago (part time when a college student - long tedious story). I really don;t know but it seems daft to me that somebody that is 21 could spend a lifetime in jobs that last 18 months, be released because its < 2 years each time, and not be able to sign on either because that's the rules or because years ago they quit a job way back then with subsequent employment since. But I know nothing - modern laws etc are beyond me now.

Other son is waiting on his degree result which may be a fail (long story). So his future is in the balance aged 23.

Daughter is living abroad now but her life there is in the balance as its in the EU and she and her BF are broke constantly and his job is frankly going to end sooner rather than later because he is fixated with money and watches and cars etc (his dad is a millionaire that ignores hiim so he is seeking paternal approval through wealth is my take on it) and the route he sees to acheive it is probably not going to work for him (not quite as long story). Its far easier with her living away but we have concerns about the ability for her living abriad (in the EU) to be maintained either legally or realsitically cos if/when BF loses his job her income will not sustain them both, let alone her on her own if/when he returns to the UK and she has contactural requirements to stay at leats for a few months. She is now talking about going to uni in 09/2019 on a course that within 6 months she has said she didn;t want to do anyway and then that she didn;t even want to go to uni. So we perceive she is jly now considering it because its the next cab on the rank.

Mrs Didds is wonderful - but is manifestly unable to follow or do anything vaguely involving paperwork or simple financial instructions. letters remain unopened for months, unable to use a silver CC rather than a green one, cant turn lights off, taps off etc etc etc.

I had some bad mental health issues last year. much better now but I can feel ebbs and flows constantly. Tonight I'm feeling bloody awful again. the news of son's impending job loss and income deficiency is just several steps backwards. I will have to work until i die basically. Both sons have tried to commit suicide in the apst two years. daughter has depression. Seems everyone is more or less on an even keel again generally but long term unemploy,ment looms for one of them at least so who knows.

My/our life is decent. Many people would be envious. The Turnips just just seems never ending.

if you read this far you deserve a medal to listen to the ramblings of someone who really has it very good. Im just bored of playing this game. But short of topping myself (nahhh) or walking out on people (not right!) I just seem stuck continually bankrolling everything for everybody whilst my stress levels just top themselves up just when they seem to be getting better.

I know - I should be so bloody lucky. Pull my socks up. DEont be a mardy Pink marshmallows. Get on with it.

didds

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Re: One step forward....

#163488

Postby Sussexlad » September 1st, 2018, 7:17 am

Hi

Well I got to the end and I have every sympathy for you. Many youngsters do appear to have become quite detached from the responsibilities of life. Every time you see them win a few pounds in any competition, their ONLY thought is a holiday! When we were first married, we were able to buy a small terraced house but we had a second-hand cooker, table-top fridge and a flimsy two-seater settee and were thrilled to be on our own. I always ran low-cost second-hand cars and carried out 95% of the maintenance myself - when do you see anyone doing that these days - though I appreciate accessibility has been made increasingly difficult. We also didn't have a child for five years, so we could establish ourselves.

I think advertising has a huge part to play along with peer-pressure. They are bombarded 24/7 with must-haves and how easy financing is, when we all know that isn't true. I believe that there used to be a social conscience which permeated both individuals and companies but we have now moved to an individually-based concept where everyone is out for themselves and that includes commerce. Dog eat dog if you like and that comes with the inevitable consequences of winners and losers, both financial and emotional.

You also have to have some sympathy for their plight, because they too are victims of this change. Many millions had stable jobs for life, knowing their future was virtually assured. Now you often don't know what the next six months holds, so inevitably this creates a 'party whilst the sunshines' outlook on life, with planning dismissed as impossible. Trades Unions were an illustration of this collective mentality but sadly they eventually abused their power and virtually self-destructed but the basic principle of collective representation is still sound when carrried out responsibly.

However, we hear little about responsibility these days, only rights and entitlement and it makes life very stressful for everyone, because every single transaction has to be risk assessed, from buying a packet of tea to buying a house, it seems everyone is out to take advantage of you. Perhaps we do need another conflict to re-align people's expectations and rekindle the idea that it's people and relationships which really matter, not that you have the latest car !

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Re: One step forward....

#163490

Postby redsturgeon » September 1st, 2018, 8:41 am

That is quite a story didds!

I read through it all and found it quite fascinating in an Anna Karenina sort of way:

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way


As you have eluded to in your post, you have much to be thankful for but have reached a bit of a Hamlet moment

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them


It seems that you are taking responsibility on behalf of the rest of your family (only natural as a protective father/husband) and this is potentially the cause of your mental disquiet and possibly their lack of growth towards self sufficiency. Most of us want to be supportive to our loved ones but there is a thin line oft crossed between positive guidance and over protection.

I'd recommend looking at the work of Byron Katie (yes I realise she seems to have a back-to-front name but she is American!)

http://thework.com/en/about-byron-katie

This is a free resource that guides you through a relatively simple process of examining your life situation and looking at your reaction to things around you with a view to changing the way you think about things.

Byron Katie, founder of The Work, has one job: to teach people how to end their own suffering. As she guides people through the powerful process of inquiry she calls The Work, they find that their stressful beliefs—about life, other people, or themselves—radically shift and their lives are changed forever. Based on Byron Katie's direct experience of how suffering is created and ended, The Work is an astonishingly simple process, accessible to people of all ages and backgrounds, and requires nothing more than a pen, paper, and an open mind.


It may not be your cup of tea but it won't take long to find out and the take home message is learning to live with those things over which you have little or no control.

John

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Re: One step forward....

#163492

Postby Lootman » September 1st, 2018, 8:54 am

redsturgeon wrote:I'd recommend looking at the work of Byron Katie (yes I realise she seems to have a back-to-front name but she is American!)

I would second that idea. When I went through a bleak phase I found her "four questions and a turnaround" process helpful.

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Re: One step forward....

#163546

Postby eepee » September 1st, 2018, 12:19 pm

Skimmed over what you have said so may have missed the answers to the following.

What is your background? Arty, technical, sporty, social?

Seems to me that you are simply bored. Get yourself an immersive hobby, preferably one that requires learning/research and that is a bit out of your comfort/normality zone.

This might distance you from the rest of the family but (your) sanity will prevail. Who knows, maybe some other members of the family will show interest thus some bonding, away from money talk, might take place.

Regards,
ep

didds
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Re: One step forward....

#163763

Postby didds » September 2nd, 2018, 5:59 pm

Thank you all. And apologies for the at times bizarre typos in my OP.

Technical (IT) background. Id happily consider a carer change - but there's nothing I could do for 10-15 years of likely work life left with a salary at a level to support everything I need to help support.

Hobbies... well... I am immersed in them to be honest. I realise I have an issue over "not doing anything" ... so I do loads! Coach sport to a youth squad, member of four local am dram/opera/musical theatre/drama groups, run+cycle+swim, active local CAMRA member (brewery liaison officer, branch organiser), volunteer for local events etc. This past week has seen me compere two days of a local festival, marshal at a carnival, complete my ninth week of couch to five k, do a 40 hour work week, revisit my 8WBSD diet to sort my diabetes out, This week Ive opera and two different concert rehearsals, coaching x 2, and a trip to an agricultural show.

didds

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Re: One step forward....

#163775

Postby Ashfordian » September 2nd, 2018, 6:36 pm

didds wrote:Im just bored of playing this game. But short of topping myself (nahhh) or walking out on people (not right!) I just seem stuck continually bankrolling everything for everybody whilst my stress levels just top themselves up just when they seem to be getting better.

didds


I have quite a simple approach which is:

If you cannot look after yourself, how can you look after others?

What would happen to your family if, for whatever reason, you were unable to bankroll them?

You had a warning last year but you may not be so lucky next time and you can tell from your venting and comments that this is causing you a lot of stress.

How you change the behaviours I don't know but it does feel that your family are risking losing out by not looking at the bigger picture.

One other thing. If your children are bright and hard working they will be fine. They may just need throwing in the deep end of the pool to allow them to find out what their priorities are.

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Re: One step forward....

#163996

Postby sg31 » September 3rd, 2018, 8:44 pm

didds wrote:Thank you all. And apologies for the at times bizarre typos in my OP.

Technical (IT) background. Id happily consider a carer change - but there's nothing I could do for 10-15 years of likely work life left with a salary at a level to support everything I need to help support.

Hobbies... well... I am immersed in them to be honest. I realise I have an issue over "not doing anything" ... so I do loads! Coach sport to a youth squad, member of four local am dram/opera/musical theatre/drama groups, run+cycle+swim, active local CAMRA member (brewery liaison officer, branch organiser), volunteer for local events etc. This past week has seen me compere two days of a local festival, marshal at a carnival, complete my ninth week of couch to five k, do a 40 hour work week, revisit my 8WBSD diet to sort my diabetes out, This week Ive opera and two different concert rehearsals, coaching x 2, and a trip to an agricultural show.

didds


Wow, How do you manage to fit all that in? Do you think you might be overcompensating? I'm retired and I don't think I could cope with that lot.

Seriously you might want to pick the ones you really enjoy and cut a couple of others out.

You say you need your current salary to support all the things you need to help support. How about reducing the things you need to support? Are they all essential? Imagine for a moment that you lost your job and could only find another at 70% of your current income, what would have to go? How would you change things so that you could manage on the new income? Hopefully if you can be brutally honest with yourself it will give you some ideas on what you can change.

I was a workaholic until I almost had a nervous breakdown, I could feel myself losing control but I felt obligated to keep working extremely long hours to avoid disappointing long term clients. I avoided the breakdown because I had a small accident which involved a large nail embedded deep in my foot. My own fault I was tired and rushing. I was so shocked I sat down and wept for ages, I couldn't stop. I realised I couldn't carry on like that.

Sometimes the things we think are essential aren't really, it's just our mind set that is wrong. You are at that age where you are going to have to look after yourself. You need to cultivate a little selfishness, you can always say no when people want something. You are not much use to anyone if you are dead.

I hope this helps.

didds
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Re: One step forward....

#164003

Postby didds » September 3rd, 2018, 9:26 pm

sg31 wrote:[
Wow, How do you manage to fit all that in?


well I don't watch TV for a start. I also work from home so I have eg two hours a day I'm not commuting, five days a week...

Seriously you might want to pick the ones you really enjoy and cut a couple of others out.


I enjoy them all :-)

You say you need your current salary to support all the things you need to help support. How about reducing the things you need to support?


well, I could throw my two sons out of the house I suppose. neither of them earn enough to rent anywhere, and certainly wouldn't have a deposit.
homelessness seems somewhat cruel though. Im not gonna go there. We don't feed them any longer.

We could sell the house and go and live in a flat in a block - downsize. maybe. That would seriously stuff my mental state listening to orther people's arguments and TV.

The easiest change I could make is to leave everybody, go and live on my own, and ignore my wife and childen's lives I suppose. But not realistic.
That's not an option.

If I was end up with 50% of earnings then yes we'd have to make sacrifices. Though TBH god knows what. we don;t have an extravagant lifestyle though we don't "want". 90%+ of my and wife's wardrobe is charity shop. Her vehicle is a 04 plate VW passat that we;'ve had... ooo... 6 years? My vehicle is an 01 T4 transporter campervan that was given to us by my mum. Our holidays are a week away in the UK in said campervan, as often as not sleeping "wild camping" style. We eat out maybe once a month (if that). We have no TV licence, nor TV. Mortgage is ~£500 a month, vehicle insurances maybe £600 a year, road tax maybe £500 a year. Leccy is £75 a month, water £60, council tax £250, gas £25 (cooking only via bottles - probably less than that TBH). Oil fired water - couple of grand a year maybe three? Wife looks after oil. car Fuel for wife;'s work £50 a week. House insurances etc £400 a year. B/band £20 a month (inc phone). My mobile provided by employer, wife's a tenner a month. House is 90+ years old, constant stuff to be done - water leak a couple fo weeks ago, waiting to get that sorted. etc. Three dogs that eat the cheapest dog food. Food bills ... ooo... £50-£70 a week maybe. Never need to buy chicken as I get friends' offcasts to slaughter and eat. Pensions £500 a month, life insurances etc £200 a month.

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Re: One step forward....

#164296

Postby Clitheroekid » September 5th, 2018, 12:46 am

It seems to me that you may be in need of a bit more time by yourself - or `me time' as its glutinously called nowadays. I get the impression that you spend most of your time interacting with other people, and although you presumably enjoy this it may leave you with not enough time for solitary thought and reflection.

I enjoy the company of other people, but I've always been happy with my own company, and I enjoy the peace and tranquility that it provides. But I find it works best if I'm doing something. Just sitting staring into space isn't particularly therapeutic, so a simple activity that absorbs you is ideal. In my case it's fly-fishing, but for a very good friend it's model engineering. No doubt others find it in stamp-collecting or metal-detecting.

I appreciate that if you've suffered from depression (as I did many years ago) you may be vaguely scared of being alone, and that being busily engaged with other people provides a distraction from gloomy thoughts. But in my experience your mind can just become overloaded, and it needs a space to relax and re-order itself. Doing a simple mechanical activity of the type described provides this, and although your conscious mind is occupied with and enjoying the activity it's not intellectually demanding, so your unconscious mind can get on with making sense of your world.

Of course you may already be undertaking such an activity, but if not give it a try - you may be pleasantly surprised at how much better you'll feel afterwards.

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Re: One step forward....

#164350

Postby gryffron » September 5th, 2018, 10:22 am

Hey didds, sorry to hear about your position. Maybe if you could discuss with your kids how they are making you feel? Tricky though. They probably think you're really lucky with your "great" job and all your hobbies.

My practical thought was:
didds wrote:life insurances etc £200 a month.

Wow! That's a lot. Why does someone with a "quite low mortgage" need £200pcm of life insurance? Doesn't that put you in the very (mentally) dangerous position of feeling you'd be "better off dead". Cut these down to just enough to pay off the mortgage (each?) and don't let the kids spend the surplus.

Gryff

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Re: One step forward....

#164364

Postby didds » September 5th, 2018, 11:29 am

gryffron wrote:Wow! That's a lot. Why does someone with a "quite low mortgage" need £200pcm of life insurance? Doesn't that put you in the very (mentally) dangerous position of feeling you'd be "better off dead". Cut these down to just enough to pay off the mortgage (each?) and don't let the kids spend the surplus.

Gryff



when I set them up I was very overweight, and had had an aids test (merely a precaution before I got martried - my woife did the same in a sort of "lets be fair to each other evebn though we've no reason to beleive there is any problem".

Ive subsequently lost shed loads of weight and am generally FAR healthier. But premiums now I am older don;t seem to be any chaeper if I was to jump ship/move.

didds

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Re: One step forward....

#165635

Postby Bminusrob » September 11th, 2018, 10:12 am

Hi Didds. I am sorry to see you in such a state. I seem to remember that 55 is a difficult age. You feel quite a long way from retirement, but are tired of 30+ years of working, and your kids aren't set up on their own yet. My kids were much easier than yours, by the sounds of it, but they were still a worry, so I have sympathy there.

I was wondering if it time for you and Mrs Didds to have a think about where you want the future to take you. Could you, for instance, think about downsizing to a cheaper part of the country and living off any equity this would release. Even if you can't do this now, can you plan for it in five, three, two years time? You also need to consider what you want to do when you no longer work full time. Is part time work in your field an option, or could you just do shop work for a couple of days a week to keep a bit of money coming in, and more importantly, keep interacting with other people?

If you come up with such a plan, for say two years time, it gives your kids due notice that changes are afoot, and they need to plan accordingly.

Do you really need the life assurance? It seems like a lot of money. What do you get for it?

Good luck for the future. Thinks do get easier. Honestly.


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