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Kindly kick up the jacksy

A friendly ear
Sunnypad
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Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444259

Postby Sunnypad » September 21st, 2021, 8:19 pm

This is a very self indulgent moan
Any kind words are much needed - I currently feel a bit like Fleabag "a girl with no friends and an empty heart".

Generally, I am a rational person.

I have become hugely lazy over the last few years. I find work and caring for mum really overwhelming, especially the mental burden.

I thought I'd book myself into an evening class. Lord knows what I was thinking.

I've been to two sessions now. I hate it. The teacher was changed and so were the methods - Pilates - though I suppose they still run it as a Pilates class so no mismatch with trade description.

I have done Pilates with a great teacher in the past but it's not something that gets endorphins going so was a poor choice really.

Now I am committed to this for a whole term and here's the really inexplicable bit - I chose a class in central London, in a place I probably would have liked in my 20s.

I thought it would get me out of my lazy rut but both times I've just come back thinking "blech".

I do need to get out of the lazy rut but clearly this is not the way.

I have no idea why I chose to do a course in central London and soon it will be dark when I go. Somehow I have added in commuting when I already resent the trek to mum's and the weekly office visit.

What was I thinking? And they are all 20 somethings and a bit...well, we were given a thing to sign that included terms of reference for gender.

I must find something to do that cheers me up. Any thoughts? Old spinal injury so some limitations. Thanks.

dealtn
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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444382

Postby dealtn » September 22nd, 2021, 11:38 am

Sunnypad wrote:
Now I am committed to this for a whole term


Really? How?

If it's not for you and you aren't enjoying it, just stop. You are allowed to make mistakes in your life choices. Put it behind you and move on. You will feel better.

Loup321
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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444384

Postby Loup321 » September 22nd, 2021, 11:42 am

I can sympathize. You're trying to do something positive for yourself, and you've actually gone and done something. This must be applauded. But it turned out not to be the best decision you have ever made, and you're cross. And now, this self-indulgent thing which you normally wouldn't do, has turned out to be the millstone around your neck for the next few months (on top of your other millstones). Lots of sympathies and good vibes on it.

Practically, although you think the changes to the course are still within the description you signed up to, can you say that the whole course wasn't quite what you expected, and find out if you have any options? I've never done Pilates, but I would imagine someone could pick up part way through the "course." Can they resell what you have left (after an admin fee, of course) or can you sell it on to a friend who might be interested?

I know what you mean about being a long way from home, and the thought of travelling back when you are tired out. And in the dark. Doing something closer to home is always better, but there is never anything I fancy near my house.

I knit and do crochet. It's my thing, and I find it destresses me, and works as me-time. When I felt a bit down last summer, I realised it was because I wasn't doing half an hour of knitting each morning and evening on my commute to work. I made the point of starting it up again. Doesn't have to be in a group, although I am in a Zoom knitting circle through work. Actually, the Zoom knitting circle is brilliantly weird. I work in a university, so we have undergraduates, postgraduates, staff, scientists, artists, professional services. When we're all together, we're about 12 people, and it's such a strange mix of conversations that we have.

I'm also going to spend a day soap-making at some point, hopefully before Christmas. I was going to do a 1-day course (with afternoon tea), and asked my friend if she would babysit, but she said that the price of the course was extortionate, and I should just buy all the stuff and do it at home (she's made soap before). So one Friday when the kids are at school, I'll have bought everything we need and we're going to do it at home. Then we'll get the kids and a takeaway for tea, and the whole lot will cost less than the course. Ok, I'll have to clean up afterwards, but I will still have had a go.

You know you far better than I do, and I get the perception that you are more matter-of-fact and less tolerant of cute pretty things just for fun than I am. My ideas are probably not very suitable for you. But I'm supposed to be knitting sponges and dishcloths for people for Christmas, which is practical as well as relaxing, so maybe some balance like that would suit you. I've actually just crocheted a T-Rex, which looks more like a Lochness monster. I got distracted.

Don't beat yourself up too much. You tried and it didn't work out. But at least you tried rather than continuing in the rut without trying.

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444399

Postby pje16 » September 22nd, 2021, 12:16 pm

Well done for getting out and trying
perhaps give it another go and see you how get on
good luck :)

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444469

Postby Sunnypad » September 22nd, 2021, 3:48 pm

Thank you all for understanding

Dealtn, the thing is I paid for the term. I have become so undisciplined, I booked it thinking it would do me good to "have"to do something, which might still be true.

Pie, yes, I will probably try again as I have heard today that I'm not the only one disappointed by the changes made. They have said no refunds unless due to illness or injury.

Loup, I think a knitted Loch Ness monster sounds brilliant, I love stuff like that!

At the start of lockdown, I began drawing and painting as a hobby. However, much as I like those things, the friends who vanished are not coming back. That leaves a big hole in my life. The only daily non work phone calls I get are the miserable mum.

So I thought it would be good to do something with human interaction.

On a practical level, the flat is small and I have cabin fever as well.

It is going to take a lot of time to fill the vacuum that used to be occupied by friends, I know. I will probably feel better in a couple of days.

I joined a local social group but it's really quiet. The organiser told me she used to have about 20 for pub nights but so far it's 3 or 4. I am going tonight. I am hoping there will be more this evening!

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444472

Postby dealtn » September 22nd, 2021, 3:56 pm

Sunnypad wrote:Thank you all for understanding

Dealtn, the thing is I paid for the term. I have become so undisciplined, I booked it thinking it would do me good to "have"to do something, which might still be true.



Yes, but that doesn't mean you are committed. If you don't enjoy it you aren't being forced to continue (although you might not get your money back). It is a "sunk cost". it has happened, but that's it.

If you order a meal in a restaurant, and don't like it, the waiter (or chef) won't force you to finish what's on your plate. It maybe difficult, but you aren't compelled to do anything. As I said before, if you aren't enjoying it, just stop.

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444474

Postby pje16 » September 22nd, 2021, 3:57 pm

Sunnypad wrote:Pie, yes, I will probably try again as I have heard today that I'm not the only one disappointed by the changes made. They have said no refunds unless due to illness or injury.

You could exaggerate your old spinal injury if push comes to shove :D

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444479

Postby Sunnypad » September 22nd, 2021, 4:07 pm

Dealtn

Yes, I am angry with myself for spending the money in what now seems a bonkers fit of optimism.

But I can see the sunk costs argument.

Pie cheeky! :lol: They'd want a doctor's note I think.

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444515

Postby Loup321 » September 22nd, 2021, 5:32 pm

Image
Trying to use up 25 g balls on a pattern that needed a 50g ball, and I haven't sewn in the end yet (the yellow bit underneath his tummy).

I don't have many friends that I meet up with often. One we usually alternate which house we're round at on Friday after school. Another, we try for once a month, but it often ends up every 2-3 months. Then there is the small one's Granny, and the small one's cousin who lives nearby. I try and Zoom them (and the other cousins have now joined) most months, and we meet occasionally.

Sometimes, I feel I'm the only one arranging anything, and it's stressful and a burden to try and bother. Then if I don't arrange anything I feel I never see them, so I arrange stuff. I am an "arranger" and I organise the works Christmas lunch, and the Christmas meal for another group I am in (that has completely ceased with COVID, and the older people retiring means it wont restart). So sometimes it's nice not to bother. But I can see that if it's got too much, you have to start bothering. Which you tried!

I also know what you mean about forcing yourself to do something if you've booked. The only way I will ever do any exercise is if I (a) find a group session I enjoy, and (b) commit to going. Aqua-aerobics is the wrong time to fit around work. The class at the trampoline park (which was loads of fun and hard work) got cancelled on a Saturday morning, and I just can't do the evening classes. If you want to do a group exercise class, you need to not work or have kids.

But if you want to meet people, then I think having something in common with them is important. And I wouldn't have thought a Pilates class had much scope for chatting. The aqua-aerobics and trampolining classes I have done, I have never chatted with other people. What's on in your local library? Mine has restarted some (daytime) book club, because they were all chatting about some book last time I was in there printing stuff. The next nearest library used to have a knitting circle, but I only went once, because it was on the wrong day, and I didn't feel I had a lot in common with them. There was a "leader" (not a person in charge, but someone who just did most of the talking), and a lot of meek followers. Not my cup of tea.

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444521

Postby Lanark » September 22nd, 2021, 5:49 pm

If you want to cancel the contract it is worth asking them anyway no matter what their policy says.

You do have certain rights under the Consumer Rights Act 2015, if you kick up enough fuss they may give you a partial refund just to make you go away.

AsleepInYorkshire
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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444569

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » September 22nd, 2021, 9:44 pm

Sunnypad wrote:This is a very self indulgent moan
Any kind words are much needed - I currently feel a bit like Fleabag "a girl with no friends and an empty heart".

Why do you feel like that?
Sunnypad wrote:Generally, I am a rational person.

We all are I think. But we can all have irrational moments. All part of being human.
Sunnypad wrote:I have become hugely lazy over the last few years. I find work and caring for mum really overwhelming, especially the mental burden.

Totally understandable. Is there anything you can do to get a little break? Or am I not completely understanding your circumstances?
Sunnypad wrote:I thought I'd book myself into an evening class. Lord knows what I was thinking.

I've been to two sessions now. I hate it. The teacher was changed and so were the methods - Pilates - though I suppose they still run it as a Pilates class so no mismatch with trade description.

I have done Pilates with a great teacher in the past but it's not something that gets endorphins going so was a poor choice really.

Now I am committed to this for a whole term and here's the really inexplicable bit - I chose a class in central London, in a place I probably would have liked in my 20s.

I thought it would get me out of my lazy rut but both times I've just come back thinking "blech".

I do need to get out of the lazy rut but clearly this is not the way.

What do you think you can do about it?
Sunnypad wrote:I have no idea why I chose to do a course in central London and soon it will be dark when I go. Somehow I have added in commuting when I already resent the trek to mum's and the weekly office visit.

What was I thinking? And they are all 20 somethings and a bit...well, we were given a thing to sign that included terms of reference for gender.

I must find something to do that cheers me up. Any thoughts? Old spinal injury so some limitations. Thanks.

What do you think you would like to get involved with? Clearly rock climbing won't be on the list with your back injury :)

AiY

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444586

Postby Sunnypad » September 22nd, 2021, 11:12 pm

Loup, I honestly love that monster, it's brilliant!

Loup, your description of having accidentally added to the millstones around my neck was spot on.

Re organising things, it's a bit different for me but the short version is that people who were basically family before lockdown are now not. I think that perhaps I just have to wait a while because the efforts aren't yielding much.

We do all have a nice healthy juice and chat post Pilates. It was same when I last did exercise classes, dance, yoga etc. Not the whole class but the people who don't have to rush off.

4 people at local drinks tonight but interestingly all said they were feeling scattered and disjointed. I think meeting people is probably a bit like dating, it will be sheer luck if you find a match.

I may need to take smaller steps to address the lazy Pink marshmallows I have become. I also might have to consider a therapist to rant in confidence re mum.

AiY - in theory I'd love rock climbing. Alas, in practice, it would not be a good plan. I enjoyed my friendships so much, there's no activity that can replace that.

I think the answer to being less lazy is being less lazy....

Getting a break from mum - I don't know how that can be done. She would like me to be around a lot more and be on the phone a lot more.

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444592

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » September 22nd, 2021, 11:42 pm

Sunnypad wrote:Getting a break from mum - I don't know how that can be done. She would like me to be around a lot more and be on the phone a lot more.

Hmm ... it sounds as if you're an extremely kind daughter. Which is wonderful. All of us only get one Mum. Do you think you could approach your Mum and tell her how you feel? We all have limitations. We all need our own space. And I think from what you've said you need some "me time". Which is understandable.

You're in a difficult situation. And sometimes that happens. Perhaps, though, you can open up to your Mum and ask her to understand how you are feeling and how she can support you as it's a two way event?

Kindness comes from the heart. And you have a large heart. A heart full of love and devotion for your Mum. Have you thought about telling your Mum this? You have been unwaveringly loyal and kind and loving. It's not unreasonable to expect your Mum to reciprocate and to support you as best she can.

You're both in this together

AiY

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444601

Postby Itsallaguess » September 23rd, 2021, 6:06 am

Sunnypad wrote:
I think the answer to being less lazy is being less lazy....


That feels like a key phrase here Sunnypad..

Reading your opening post about you booking the evening class, it feels like you've had a moment of clarity in terms of how you might get out of the rut that you're in, but where you're now allowing the rut-monster to keep you in it...

I'd try to stick with it for a while, and see if you can fight through this period.

Ruts are quite hard to get out of. If they were easy they wouldn't be ruts...

Good luck and best wishes.

Itsallaguess

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444660

Postby Sunnypad » September 23rd, 2021, 10:47 am

Itsallaguess

Yes, I think there was a very poor choice made in terms of the travel, but not in terms of the activity. I was just surprised how low I felt after a couple of treks into town. Physical activity is definitely needed though.

AiY - my mother knows all of this and still wants too much, I think. She is also adamant she can help when I'm stressed which is hard because I have to bite my tongue to avoid saying I'm stressed because of her. I have had a couple of episodes where I have broken down in tears in front of her and it doesn't help really.

Re the big hearted stuff - I am really not. If I could turn back time, I'd have lived far away or been like my sister and just never really help anyone. I have no interest in and get no fulfilment from the whole family thing.

I have to find a way to distance myself from the non essential stuff.

My late father was adamant he didn't want to be a burden, and very apologetic in his last weeks in hospital, which I appreciated. Of course I did the thing you have to do and said "don't apologise" etc but I thought more of him for saying it.

In many ways, things are easier with just one parent burden instead of two - I have to keep reminding myself that. I suppose the harder part is the endless stuff she tells me that she previously would have told him.

My life is pretty nice still when I can forget about mum, so really scrabbling for things to do is not just about filling the hole left bu friends but also finding something that will magic away the stress of an elderly parent. Which isn't really possible.

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444680

Postby pje16 » September 23rd, 2021, 11:52 am

I know what you mean about treks into town
Done it for over 30 years, now after 18 months WFH going in the first couple of times was a drag
BUT now have to go in Fridays and Mondays starting tomorrow and having done it 4 times recently it does get easier
It's like a lot of things in life whatever you HAVE to do regularly becomes the norm and letting it get you down is waste of time
I like to try an be a glass half full kind of person, but I posted that on here before and someone pointed out that wasn't so good
as half the glass is empty :lol:

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444682

Postby Sunnypad » September 23rd, 2021, 12:07 pm

Pje

I haven't hated commuting any less in 25 years. It was a really stupid thing to do, I have to just admit that. I plan to leave London next year so for some reason I thought a last activity would be okay.

To quote Toby Ziegler, at least we agree there's a glass :lol:

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444690

Postby pje16 » September 23rd, 2021, 12:35 pm

If we both have a glass
CHEERS !!!!

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444848

Postby Sunnypad » September 23rd, 2021, 9:10 pm

Cheers! No booze emoji?

I am just back from mum's
It went much better so clearly offloading has helped

The Tube still smells dreadful to me after a lifetime of using it!

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444862

Postby Dod101 » September 23rd, 2021, 10:04 pm

I think it would help you if you had someone to open your heart to and whilst I would not use the word therapist, a counsellor might help you. You might find a name or two at your GP's surgery. You sound very alone and being the one who has got to look after your mother (is there no one else who can share it?) is a big burden. I know (don't ask) They will charge of course but you could find it would help you.

Dod


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