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Kindly kick up the jacksy

A friendly ear
Sunnypad
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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444953

Postby Sunnypad » September 24th, 2021, 9:57 am

Dod101 wrote:I think it would help you if you had someone to open your heart to and whilst I would not use the word therapist, a counsellor might help you. You might find a name or two at your GP's surgery. You sound very alone and being the one who has got to look after your mother (is there no one else who can share it?) is a big burden. I know (don't ask) They will charge of course but you could find it would help you.

Dod


Yes, I'm going to look into this. Initially I thought that ranting to someone might be bad for me because it might make me focus on it more?

But of course a fixed appointment etc could be useful.

In terms of sharing the burden, it depends what you mean. There are some neighbours who are very helpful. Yesterday I found out that two of mum's friends are moving away, which is going to make things harder for her and me.

sg31
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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444963

Postby sg31 » September 24th, 2021, 10:25 am

Sunnypad wrote:
Getting a break from mum - I don't know how that can be done. She would like me to be around a lot more and be on the phone a lot more.


Be careful, the more you give, the more she will expect. For example if you see her twice a week and increase it to 3 times a week for one or two weeks that will become the new normal in her mind. If you cut back to twice per week she will feel hard done by and feel you have been unkind.

I've had this situation with 3 elderly family members. Maybe your mother will be more rational, hopefully she will, just be aware of the possibility.

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#444983

Postby Dod101 » September 24th, 2021, 11:04 am

Sunnypad wrote:
Dod101 wrote:I think it would help you if you had someone to open your heart to and whilst I would not use the word therapist, a counsellor might help you. You might find a name or two at your GP's surgery. You sound very alone and being the one who has got to look after your mother (is there no one else who can share it?) is a big burden. I know (don't ask) They will charge of course but you could find it would help you.

Dod


Yes, I'm going to look into this. Initially I thought that ranting to someone might be bad for me because it might make me focus on it more?

But of course a fixed appointment etc could be useful.

In terms of sharing the burden, it depends what you mean. There are some neighbours who are very helpful. Yesterday I found out that two of mum's friends are moving away, which is going to make things harder for her and me.


A good counsellor will give you some pointers towards easing the pressure on you and maybe some ideas about getting different sorts of help. It is not just about you ranting although if that helps........You need though to find someone that you feel comfortable with and who can provide you with a different perspective. A decent one will probably give you an initial chat so that you can decide if you feel comfortable with them.

Dod

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#445194

Postby Sunnypad » September 25th, 2021, 9:17 am

sg31 wrote:
Sunnypad wrote:
Getting a break from mum - I don't know how that can be done. She would like me to be around a lot more and be on the phone a lot more.


Be careful, the more you give, the more she will expect. For example if you see her twice a week and increase it to 3 times a week for one or two weeks that will become the new normal in her mind. If you cut back to twice per week she will feel hard done by and feel you have been unkind.

I've had this situation with 3 elderly family members. Maybe your mother will be more rational, hopefully she will, just be aware of the possibility.


I agree with you. I will be careful of that.

Re the counselling, I will have a look. I think really the rut and state of ennui I have got into is not helping.

Today I am going to Highgate Cemetery, which doesn't sound cheerful :lol: but as a lifelong Londoner, it's a bit rubbish that I've never been. I think getting out of the flat for the day is a good idea, I will find a cafe for lunch if they are not all full of screaming babies,

AsleepInYorkshire
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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#445199

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » September 25th, 2021, 9:37 am

Sunnypad wrote:
sg31 wrote:
Sunnypad wrote:
Getting a break from mum - I don't know how that can be done. She would like me to be around a lot more and be on the phone a lot more.


Be careful, the more you give, the more she will expect. For example if you see her twice a week and increase it to 3 times a week for one or two weeks that will become the new normal in her mind. If you cut back to twice per week she will feel hard done by and feel you have been unkind.

I've had this situation with 3 elderly family members. Maybe your mother will be more rational, hopefully she will, just be aware of the possibility.


I agree with you. I will be careful of that.

Re the counselling, I will have a look. I think really the rut and state of ennui I have got into is not helping.

Today I am going to Highgate Cemetery, which doesn't sound cheerful :lol: but as a lifelong Londoner, it's a bit rubbish that I've never been. I think getting out of the flat for the day is a good idea, I will find a cafe for lunch if they are not all full of screaming babies,

Have a great day. Enjoy yourself.

We all have low times. However, I'm aware you have more lows than the "average" person. Having been there myself I think I can empathise. I think if you have the funds that you should consider talking to a counsellor. At my lowest and when I couldn't afford I spoke to a private counsellor. It was far from perfect as at that time I hadn't been correctly diagnosed. I was still "malfunctioning" :) . But for an hour a week I could talk to someone. And that in itself helped. Later when the correct diagnosis came I was able to look back on those sessions and hear kind words, that remain with me today. I heard advice too and that has helped to rebuild my personality.

You've identified you're in a rut. Good.

When I look back at where I was I find it impossible to know how I coped or came out at the other end. But somehow I did. I still have a few issues but for the most the quality of my life is much more "average". :)

I hesitate to say or suggest what you should do as we all cope differently. I do feel you struggle to assert your needs above those of others without feeling guilty And that could be a never ending loop of mental torment?

Comfort Cafe can listen, it can suggest, it can offer an ear or another view. It can allow you to talk without fear of negativity or judgement.

You've made it this far. Perhaps, like me, in a muddled way. But whatever you've been doing it has worked. And that's something to take away as a positive.

Take care and of course never say never :)

AiY

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#446326

Postby Sunnypad » September 29th, 2021, 3:45 pm

AiY I am very glad it helped you

Preliminary chats with therapists are not promising - certainly the two I have spoken to are quite puzzled by the idea that I love my mum, she is lovely, and even funny etc before dad died, but still I resent helping out. Perhaps if you are a family oriented person, it makes no sense.

- but that's okay, i think venting online is good enough if you are all kind enough to listen

It struck me today that I have often felt that when life is going well, I'm in a good mood etc, that's when parents try to step in to ask a favour or generally try to get me to trek there for something. My dad dropped it years ago but I think mum is still in that mindset. So she doesn't know that I'm off work today and just peacefully pottering. They probably think it's better timing than asking when I'm stressed of course. But why are parents so emotionally needy?!

I remember posting on original Fool that my parents wanting every Sunday afternoon annoyed me. I managed to pull it back to every other Sunday, but then I really wanted to make it less.

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#446328

Postby pje16 » September 29th, 2021, 3:56 pm

I'm NOT a therapist
but I can get that pulls on your time can cause resentment (if that IS the case)
My dad sometimes says things like "you only come round at weekends"
Well I do have a job and a life
and I don't let that bother me
Older people do often only see things their way :roll:

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#446444

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » September 29th, 2021, 10:09 pm

Sunnypad wrote:AiY I am very glad it helped you

Preliminary chats with therapists are not promising - certainly the two I have spoken to are quite puzzled by the idea that I love my mum, she is lovely, and even funny etc before dad died, but still I resent helping out. Perhaps if you are a family oriented person, it makes no sense.

- but that's okay, i think venting online is good enough if you are all kind enough to listen

It struck me today that I have often felt that when life is going well, I'm in a good mood etc, that's when parents try to step in to ask a favour or generally try to get me to trek there for something. My dad dropped it years ago but I think mum is still in that mindset. So she doesn't know that I'm off work today and just peacefully pottering. They probably think it's better timing than asking when I'm stressed of course. But why are parents so emotionally needy?!

I remember posting on original Fool that my parents wanting every Sunday afternoon annoyed me. I managed to pull it back to every other Sunday, but then I really wanted to make it less.

I found my counsellor to be good because she listened. She never judged. I wonder if I was lucky and found a decent one?

That aside if talking on Comfort Cafe helps that's good too. You have a life of your own and you can do with your time as it pleases you. Enjoy your life. You deserve that much

Take care

AiY

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#446502

Postby Loup321 » September 30th, 2021, 9:40 am

Sunnypad wrote:Preliminary chats with therapists are not promising - certainly the two I have spoken to are quite puzzled by the idea that I love my mum, she is lovely, and even funny etc before dad died, but still I resent helping out. Perhaps if you are a family oriented person, it makes no sense.


I think what you say makes perfect sense. I can't understand that two people trained in this sort of area (I am not) can't see that. You have an idea of how you want your relationship with your mum to be (probably based on happy memories), and the actual fact of the relationship is not the same. I think that's true of many relationships, but your ideal and your perception of the reality are worlds apart, rather than just wishing someone liked Greek food more and didn't always suggest Italian as a restaurant choice. Would a relationship counsellor be a better option? Thinking in the broader sense of "relationship" they probably should, but aren't they usually marriage guidance? Are there "family counsellors"?

I know it's been said before, but I think talking to your mum would be good. Does she need a therapist? You are not one, and sometimes her chats are (insert adjective of choice), so causing you to resent seeing her. Maybe if she saw someone who could help her (if she's anything like my mum was, she absolutely won't consider it though), you and she could have some happy afternoons out doing nice stuff, and then you might resent less the imposition on your time for the mundane stuff. In an ideal world, would 50% of happy visits and 50% of stupid mundane visits be a balance that would be okay with you? Probably 30:70 is more achievable, but 0:100 is affecting your quality of life.

Sunnypad wrote:but that's okay, i think venting online is good enough if you are all kind enough to listen


Happy to listen, and happy to give my twopennyworth, if you feel it helps you. Sometimes, even just writing things down adds perspective!

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#446553

Postby Sunnypad » September 30th, 2021, 12:20 pm

pje - yes, I hate to stereotype but it does feel as if there's an element of "older person stereotype" creeping in here.

AiY - I think Comfort Cafe is a great place to be heard without judgement. I also think it won't do me good to have a scheduled rant about mum. It's time I could spend doing other stuff and the expense, eek! I mean, great for people who benefit but I don't think I am one. Also, I need to think about it less, so ranting on an "as needed" basis seems better.

Loup - the main thing I want is less of a relationship. There isn't any fun stuff now. She won't see a therapist. I have told her to stop going on about miserable things but then she gets upset that I've said it. I prefer to be busy doing stuff for her when I go over there.

I did used to have a friend with whom I could share irritation about about my olds. She was quite vicious in her words about her mother - more than one therapist dropped her - and then her mum died and the short version is, I wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to her now. She dropped out of my life, I just get the odd text now.

But it was a relief in a way because she's the sort who cries if she thinks someone gave her a funny look at the school gate. Conversation was constant walking on eggshells. She was a laugh when I met her...which in turn makes me wonder how much of this is middle age. I certainly wonder that about myself! :lol:

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#448929

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » October 9th, 2021, 1:00 pm

Hi Sunny,

I hope the last few days have passed with some ease and perhaps you've had time to reflect, ingest and continue to progress. It's a constant battle and sometimes the effort can be exhausting. Counselling isn't for everyone, I completely agree. Self counselling can often be as good, if not better. And as we've all said if you need you can pop in here and without judgement, write down some of your thoughts and feelings. If it helps in any way that's good.

Take care

AiY

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#448998

Postby Sunnypad » October 9th, 2021, 6:43 pm

Funny, AiY, I was going to post on your thread to ask how things are with you.

It's been a much much better 10 days after talking to you lovely Fools, thank you :D

I even had a nice lunch out with mum today, though that was mostly because we bumped into a friend in the cafe so it wasn't just chatting with mum!

I have been really strict about moving her on, conversation wise, when she heads into super depressing territory. I will probably just have to keep restating boundaries.

A couple of days, I have told her that I can't have our usual hour chat because my brain is too fried after work and she accepted it gracefully.

Perhaps less time with her is achievable though I realise it will increase as the years go by - but I an trying to live in the moment, as least on that side of things!

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#449034

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » October 10th, 2021, 12:27 am

Sunnypad wrote:Funny, AiY, I was going to post on your thread to ask how things are with you.

It's been a tough year, I can't deny. I'm hanging in there thank you. It's kind of you to ask. Reassuring really.
Sunnypad wrote:It's been a much much better 10 days after talking to you lovely Fools, thank you :D

I'm glad it helps you. I suspect it helps us to.
Sunnypad wrote:I even had a nice lunch out with mum today, though that was mostly because we bumped into a friend in the cafe so it wasn't just chatting with mum!

I didn't have lunch today. I was too busy cleaning and bringing [heavy] furniture in from the garage after decorating.
Sunnypad wrote:I have been really strict about moving her on, conversation wise, when she heads into super depressing territory. I will probably just have to keep restating boundaries.

Do you think you've been really strict with your Mum, or do you think you've been kind to yourself?
Sunnypad wrote:A couple of days, I have told her that I can't have our usual hour chat because my brain is too fried after work and she accepted it gracefully.

Any relationship is a two way event. Both parties have to compromise and recognise limits
Sunnypad wrote:Perhaps less time with her is achievable though I realise it will increase as the years go by - but I am trying to live in the moment, as least on that side of things!

I understand. You have a life of your own. And it's perfectly reasonable for you to live your life as you want. You will only get one chance. There's no return ticket. What I find remarkable about your posts is that you are a very loyal daughter. The support you give is genuinely beyond reproach. Yet at the same time there's got to be room for you. There's got to be you time. There's got to be an acceptance from you Mum that you have your own life. It will be hard to reshape your relationship with your Mum. There may be times when you feel you aren't making progress. Times when you feel that having moved forward there comes a threat to that advancement. Such moments and times will be difficult for you and you will have to call on all your strength to reassure yourself that it's just a blip. A bump that can be ironed out.

Would you agree that you're running a marathon? It's doesn't sound as if it's a sprint. Stay strong be kind, to yourself first and when you have the emotional strength then you can extend kindness to others.

I can't say there will be an end. I can't say any route is better than another. I can't even say there is a route. I can say, though, that you just have to keep plugging away.

Always good talking with you

Take care

AiY

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Re: Kindly kick up the jacksy

#449179

Postby Sunnypad » October 10th, 2021, 8:45 pm

AiY

I hope you had a good dinner after all the hard work!

I'm glad it helps you too, I'm always happy for anyone to hop on and chat about anything really.

Interesting you mention loyalty; I feel very disloyal talking about this.

I try not to think about the marathon aspect. I'm aware it might be one but I tend to see needing emotional reserves on a shorter time frame IYSWIM.

This week, she has three visits from friends, so that's good for her and me! :D


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