Friends and Acquaintances
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:22 pm
Over the years, I have met and come into regular contact with a vast number of people. I daresay (some of) you have too. I set out to. Partly an active social life, partly indirectly through my writings for my work. If i had to guess the number then I'd think in the thousands.
I am I hope intelligent enough to realise that meeting and regular contact is not the same as friendship. Even so, 'making friends' and 'making new friends' is such a popular pursuit (and pastime) that starting yesterday I make a distinction between 'making friends' and 'making acquaintances'.
Applying the distinction, I realise that I should've started this post with" 'over the years I have met and come into regular contact with a vast number of people who became and continue to become acquaintances. A great many of them for one reason or another have simply passed through, our paths having crossed only for a short period of time.'
Years ago, I recall reading that most people despite having a wide circle of friends have no more than about 5 close friends, the rest are superficial in comparison. I remember totting up the number of my close friends and thinking 5 about right, although at the time only 3 sprang to mind. It was only after talking about that with a friend that that particular friend suggested I probably had more than 5. With hindsight, I might've given that impression but actually i think the number of close friends i had was 1, namely whomsoever I was dating at the time.
Times change? Apart from Mrs Bnc, I can honestly say that I don't have any close friends. i have a few friends whom i see and chat with regularly but our conversation and available time is limited. So it's mostly superficial, shallow, nothing like as deep and meaningful as I would like. Talking with one of the few recently I asked her if she had any friends. Not really she replied, she could do with one or two more but never seems to have the time to find others. I know the feeling. I think if at a workplace you mix and mingle with colleagues regularly you are more likely to be able to cultivate lasting friendships. I think too that if you have a large or close family the ability to make friends despite being family is also an enabler.
Mrs Bnc and I measure our social achievements by the number of Christmas cards we receive. Last year, the number we received fell compare with the years before. Mrs Bnc and i concluded that acquaintances only send Christmas cards for the duration of the acquaintance. Of the 30 or so people that I invited to my party for my 60th birthday, I remain friends with only about half a dozen of them. Of the rest a few have died, the others gone their separate ways. If I were to host a party tomorrow then I doubt i could muster more than about 12 that I'd want to invite. which is ok in principle except that I might be hard-pressed to think of a dozen.
Creating friendships out of acquaintances is one thing: creating long-lasting friendships quite another. In a social and personal setting, most of the people I know are much better at making friends than i am. But interestingly most of them don't seem to be as good at maintaining friendships: I overhear them saying they ought to keep in touch with so-and-so but they don't. Just being polite I suppose. For my ability to maintain, I am still friendly with my ex-wife (we split up some 40 years ago), two of my ex-gfs send Clio and I Christmas cards, so do a few people we've had more than acquaintance with over the years continue to send us Christmas cards, with handwritten notes about their news and offspring. Every year, I get a birthday card from and send a birthday card to an acquaintance who shares the same birthdate. But that's about it.
Does it bother me? Not really. In the same way I wonder how some people have the time to commit adultery, so I wonder how people manage their friendships. Perhaps they don't. Maybe it's all a big act, keep up appearances. designed to make them feel important. Or perhaps they're on Facebook. In which case it is understandable they can't spare the time to stop in the street for a chat, because they are too busy with social media.
If I had to guess then I'd say I currently have approximate 35 acquaintances. Yesterday I had approximately 35 friends, but i've moved on.
I am I hope intelligent enough to realise that meeting and regular contact is not the same as friendship. Even so, 'making friends' and 'making new friends' is such a popular pursuit (and pastime) that starting yesterday I make a distinction between 'making friends' and 'making acquaintances'.
Applying the distinction, I realise that I should've started this post with" 'over the years I have met and come into regular contact with a vast number of people who became and continue to become acquaintances. A great many of them for one reason or another have simply passed through, our paths having crossed only for a short period of time.'
Years ago, I recall reading that most people despite having a wide circle of friends have no more than about 5 close friends, the rest are superficial in comparison. I remember totting up the number of my close friends and thinking 5 about right, although at the time only 3 sprang to mind. It was only after talking about that with a friend that that particular friend suggested I probably had more than 5. With hindsight, I might've given that impression but actually i think the number of close friends i had was 1, namely whomsoever I was dating at the time.
Times change? Apart from Mrs Bnc, I can honestly say that I don't have any close friends. i have a few friends whom i see and chat with regularly but our conversation and available time is limited. So it's mostly superficial, shallow, nothing like as deep and meaningful as I would like. Talking with one of the few recently I asked her if she had any friends. Not really she replied, she could do with one or two more but never seems to have the time to find others. I know the feeling. I think if at a workplace you mix and mingle with colleagues regularly you are more likely to be able to cultivate lasting friendships. I think too that if you have a large or close family the ability to make friends despite being family is also an enabler.
Mrs Bnc and I measure our social achievements by the number of Christmas cards we receive. Last year, the number we received fell compare with the years before. Mrs Bnc and i concluded that acquaintances only send Christmas cards for the duration of the acquaintance. Of the 30 or so people that I invited to my party for my 60th birthday, I remain friends with only about half a dozen of them. Of the rest a few have died, the others gone their separate ways. If I were to host a party tomorrow then I doubt i could muster more than about 12 that I'd want to invite. which is ok in principle except that I might be hard-pressed to think of a dozen.
Creating friendships out of acquaintances is one thing: creating long-lasting friendships quite another. In a social and personal setting, most of the people I know are much better at making friends than i am. But interestingly most of them don't seem to be as good at maintaining friendships: I overhear them saying they ought to keep in touch with so-and-so but they don't. Just being polite I suppose. For my ability to maintain, I am still friendly with my ex-wife (we split up some 40 years ago), two of my ex-gfs send Clio and I Christmas cards, so do a few people we've had more than acquaintance with over the years continue to send us Christmas cards, with handwritten notes about their news and offspring. Every year, I get a birthday card from and send a birthday card to an acquaintance who shares the same birthdate. But that's about it.
Does it bother me? Not really. In the same way I wonder how some people have the time to commit adultery, so I wonder how people manage their friendships. Perhaps they don't. Maybe it's all a big act, keep up appearances. designed to make them feel important. Or perhaps they're on Facebook. In which case it is understandable they can't spare the time to stop in the street for a chat, because they are too busy with social media.
If I had to guess then I'd say I currently have approximate 35 acquaintances. Yesterday I had approximately 35 friends, but i've moved on.