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Miserable mum

A friendly ear
Sunnypad
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Re: Miserable mum

#343568

Postby Sunnypad » September 28th, 2020, 7:45 pm

Sg31, yes, dad made her decisions all her adult life.

I actually am prepared to make decisions for her but her response to that wasn’t good either.

Dod, do you mean emotionally and/or physically?

I definitely feel as if I’ve been lumbered with the child I never wanted to have. It makes me more resentful to think of her as not my mother, if that makes sense.

Dod101
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Re: Miserable mum

#343679

Postby Dod101 » September 29th, 2020, 11:40 am

Sunnypad wrote:Sg31, yes, dad made her decisions all her adult life.

I actually am prepared to make decisions for her but her response to that wasn’t good either.

Dod, do you mean emotionally and/or physically?

I definitely feel as if I’ve been lumbered with the child I never wanted to have. It makes me more resentful to think of her as not my mother, if that makes sense.


What I was trying to say is that I had no problem with the physical side of things like doing a lot of personal stuff, especially for my first wife and running around doing errands (and more!) but as for the emotional side I simply had to detach myself and accept that the one I was looking after was not the woman I had been married to and had loved for 35 years. It is 20 years ago now, when I think about it, but I was involved as a fulltime carer looking after my wife and the only way I could handle the emotional side was to deliberately detach myself otherwise I would be wallowing in self pity (I am not suggesting you are) or would get so tied up in the emotional side that I would be compromising my own health and that would simply lead to disaster all round.

I appreciate that my situation was very different from yours and of course a mother/son relationship will have very different dynamics from a husband/wife one.

Not sure I can say much more than that.

Dod

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Re: Miserable mum

#344018

Postby 88V8 » September 30th, 2020, 5:45 pm

I count myself extremely fortunate that we had none of this with our four departed parents.
MIL smoked herself to death, FIL was rather at a loose end by himself but did OK, died in his sleep of a stroke.
On my side, father died first, aged 85, after a year's cancer.
Mother who had breast cancer in 1968, and then again as from 2001, survived him three years in gradually failing health, but being a dour northerner soldiered on and wouldn't hear of going into a home until it was too late.
None of them would have dreamed of imposing their problems on anyone else.

When we eventually looked for nursing homes for my mother, many were dire. Featureless boxes dedicated to the god of Health n Safety. The worst were those where dementia sufferers mixed with the other residents. At that time, 'retirement villages' weren't on our radar and tbh she was too unwell anyway.

After brother's FIL died a few years ago, MIL (aged 93) decided she would like to move into a local retirement village which has worked out very well. She has company, activities, support when she needs it, her own flat.

If mother has equity in her home, I wonder if a retirement village might be an option. Being full-time with others might take her out of herself, or at least provide another audience for the recitation of her ailments.

V8

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Re: Miserable mum

#347680

Postby Sunnypad » October 14th, 2020, 5:17 pm

just posting an update

mum has perked up. I think it's a combination of two things- 1) she realised she was spoiling our "hanging out" time 2) she has iron supplements now and they are helping her to feel better.

since I posted here, we have enjoyed our time together.

She's even talking about how next summer we might be able to do a seaside trip etc which is a really good sign I think.

I am now investigating the possibility of moving nearer to her, because other factors are at play. The area I live in has gone downhill a lot and sadly I can see that getting worse. Also the Stamp Duty holiday is a factor. I think it would actually cheer her up a lot if I was nearby...I realise it's a bit of a risk but I also think I'd feel very uncomfortable leaving her with only carers for company during the week, and a retirement home would not be what she wants.

Thanks to everyone for listening and advising, I appreciate it.

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Re: Miserable mum

#347835

Postby servodude » October 15th, 2020, 12:17 am

Sunnypad wrote:a retirement home would not be what she wants


I've read this thread with interest and I am really glad to hear things are looking up

I hope you don't mind if I share a bit of recent experience on retirement homes.
My mother-in-law always used to claim she'd be carried out of her home in a box (so does my mum... must be "a thing").
Just over two years ago my father-in-law had a pretty severe stroke and shortly after was diagnosed with dementia.
After suffering a series of frightening episodes it was decided he'd be better looked for in a home - where someone could pick him up if he fell.
He's been there a bit over a year now - my mother-in-law declined to join him at the time.

She suffered her own stroke six months ago and after a couple of weeks in hospital, moved in with her husband (well in the room next door) for 6 weeks convalescence.

During that time, wouldn't you know, she decide that being there was actually really great; there was much less to worry about, there were new people to talk to and she decided to move in permanently. We set about on the paperwork.
Unfortunately she took a turn for the worse, went back to hospital and passed away in June before we could move her in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes the experience of a retirement home can be vastly different from the perception; it might be worth investigating just in case?

Stay well
- sd

Sunnypad
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Re: Miserable mum

#347899

Postby Sunnypad » October 15th, 2020, 9:37 am

Servo, sorry to hear that.

re retirement homes, I think she'd prefer a live in carer though I hope we are not near that stage.

she is much much better - given the all clear for driving
getting the rage about inheritance tax :lol:

enthusiastically discussing literature and things she used to be interested in
I've got her into watching "The Joy of Painting" with Bob Ross, which I recommend to anyone who needs a bit of soothing TV.

Her cleaner couldn't come last week and when I arrived at the weekend, she'd done it all. She's also made a cake and taken it to the neighbours who helped in these recent weeks she's not been too well.

as the paramedics said to me - they are so fragile at that age, it's hard to know what's just an episode and what they will bounce back from. But obviously I am crossing everything that she keeps feeling better.

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Re: Miserable mum

#347927

Postby sg31 » October 15th, 2020, 11:08 am

servodude wrote:
Sunnypad wrote:a retirement home would not be what she wants


I've read this thread with interest and I am really glad to hear things are looking up

I hope you don't mind if I share a bit of recent experience on retirement homes.
My mother-in-law always used to claim she'd be carried out of her home in a box (so does my mum... must be "a thing").
Just over two years ago my father-in-law had a pretty severe stroke and shortly after was diagnosed with dementia.
After suffering a series of frightening episodes it was decided he'd be better looked for in a home - where someone could pick him up if he fell.
He's been there a bit over a year now - my mother-in-law declined to join him at the time.

She suffered her own stroke six months ago and after a couple of weeks in hospital, moved in with her husband (well in the room next door) for 6 weeks convalescence.

During that time, wouldn't you know, she decide that being there was actually really great; there was much less to worry about, there were new people to talk to and she decided to move in permanently. We set about on the paperwork.
Unfortunately she took a turn for the worse, went back to hospital and passed away in June before we could move her in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes the experience of a retirement home can be vastly different from the perception; it might be worth investigating just in case?

Stay well
- sd


To add to that for anyone who might find this thread in the future.

Most homes offer respite care.

It maybe that the family member caring for the elderly person can't carry out their function due to ill health or maybe they need a break. They can approach a local retirement home to see if any rooms are available for a week or two. It's easier to get agreement from the elderly patient for a short term stay than a permanent move but they might find that they actually like it because they have more people to talk to and there are often activities they like.
My MIL was a not very good gardener but when she went into a home she found there was a session each week where they could help grow seedlings for the gardens around the home. Some residents hadn't a clue so MIL started explaining and showing them what to do. Within a couple of months she had taken over the activity group and expanded it to 3 sessions a week. She became the gardening expert and loved it.

Homes can be an expensive option so make sure you either get local authority help with funding or that you can find funds within the family.

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Re: Miserable mum

#348068

Postby argoal » October 15th, 2020, 5:44 pm

Just to add to the richness of the discussion here regarding retirement living, my mother was initially reluctant to move from the family home of 50 years.

A couple of falls made up her mind that she could not live alone and was unable to manage the house.

About a year ago she moved to a supported living complex quite close to where she was living. She is a sociable person and after a week’s trial decided to stay.

She is very happy there and is relieved of the burden of meals,shopping, bills, cleaning etc all of which were an increasing problem to manage even with help. She describes the place as a holiday camp rather than a home.

The house is run by the Abbeyfield Society which is a charitable trust. Because of that the rates are very reasonable. I know Abbeyfield have supported living houses around the country so are worth looking up to see if they have a local facility.

Moving her has been such a relief to her and all the family that she will leave a donation in her will to Abbeyfield.

Pipsmum
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Re: Miserable mum

#366591

Postby Pipsmum » December 16th, 2020, 12:55 am

I don't know if I can be of any comfort, but I was looking after my mum for many years until she died last year. She had severe parkinsons and lewy body dementia and needed 24 hour care in every factor. I've also been caring for a sad dad since then, and now work/care for two other dear olds. Plus we've been dealing with our three olds of my husbands family, all of whom on his side are now in care homes at exorbitant fees per month.

Some practical tips I have might be these.
1) DON'T feel guilty about any bad thoughts. It's natural. We only want life to be nice and it really isn't when we have no choice about the matter.
2) Try and ask yourself what you would like to do that particular weekend if you weren't looking after mum. Then do it, or something like it, with her. Not actually necessarily with, with her, but alongside her. Then you will be pleasing yourself and/or achieving something and also giving her something else to think about.
3) Believe it or not... wearing earphones and listening to music at the same time as caring duties such as cleaning, or cooking. Maybe with one out, or loose, so any essential conversation can be heard. Your presence counts for as much as conversation.
4) Gather the thought that if Nelson Mandela could feel free in prison, then how can you get some of that feeling in yours. Try to unlock your mind from your situation so that only your body is there being dutiful but your mind is still free.
5) Ask questions about her life before, when she was younger. What did she like doing or never get around to doing... then do it or something like it. The idea being to build up old and new interests to stir up a goal or purpose again.
6) This isn't a five minute job but each good five minutes gets you nearer to a renewed life. You will never feel guilty in the future by doing what you are doing. You are being a good and dutiful person and need to reward yourself somehow.
7) Take a huge hug from us because none of this is that easy.
8) Remember your only responsibility is her physical welfare and not her mental state.
9) You can help well by being happy in yourself, and it will get better and easier if you can try to make sure you don't lose yourself within it (easier said than done). Remember to care for yourself too.
10) You are not alone.


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