Feeling blue

[Sunnypad]

Hello
How's everyone?
I come seeking comfort! Predictable, mais oui?

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment. It feels like my brain fell out, like I'm not really here. I am medicated and generally that keeps me going but I feel like I can't remember what my name is, I'm that vacant. I tried putting my dosage up a bit but that made no difference. I'm struggling to even concentrate on work.

I am very lonely, some of you will have seen my posts about friends vanishing. I joined a local group but no one has wanted to meet since Nov. I have been getting used to my own company, and I am meant to be moving in spring which should help.

But perhaps the pervasive low feeling is linked. I had four birthday cards last week - including mum and sis. Just a few years ago, there'd have been loads.

One of mum's friends observed that no one wants to socialise any more, post lockdown. I don't know if it's that or me or just one of those weird times that has to pass.

So I came here to ask for a hug.

[servodude]

I had four birthday cards last week - including mum and sis. Just a few years ago, there'd have been loads.

Birthday cards are overrated - don't worry about those.

Expensive bits of paper that you just have to recycle or feel bad about binning years later after they've gone foustie in a box because there's some "sentiment" attached. More often than not these days they seem to be little more than a way of guilting the recipient in to reciprocating at a future date (the old "did they send us one last year?" ).

I'd send a hug but really you don't want one - too sweaty at the moment
So accept some belated Birthday greetings from over this way instead

-sd

[ReformedCharacter]

So I came here to ask for a hug.

Have one from me

RC

[Sunnypad]

Thank you both.

[didds]

and me...

wrt nobody wants to go out any more post lockdown... i think there is some element of truth in that. The hospitality and entertainment industries very generically see a big fall off in footfall and interest... to the extent that for many pubs its almost impossible to work out when/if they are open and when etc., so there's another reason to not venture out... online published hours seem meaningless (I passed two pubs returning from bath that all online indications were that they would be open - they weren't). I perceive people found not going out meant more £££ in the pocket, "stuff" is cheaper for suing/eating/drinking at home - or not at all - and the CoL crisis has added to that... as well as the increased costs of . And people just got out of the habit generally.

It probably doesn't quite meet the same needs for you but would your social group that hasn't met since November consider an online meeting ? It might kick start it again if nothing else?

Good luck.

[pje16]

So I came here to ask for a hug.

Have one from me

RC

Have a big one from me
we all have days like that
hopefully you will feel a bit perkier tomorrow

take care

[Sunnypad]

Thanks everyone
I had a much more productive day yesterday and worked late so hopefully my brain hasn't fallen out!

Re going out post lockdown - I am very happy to host people. Not the world's best cook, I'll grant you! But used to people coming round a lot and used to them messaging a lot everyday. That's dwindled to nothing. No one seems to want to mix. I did think it was me, but perhaps it isn't my fault.

I saw my best friend today. He said post lockdown he just doesn't want to do messaging anymore. I haven't seen him for six months. Not for lack of trying on my part. He said he doesn't keep in touch with anyone as much as he did. He does have family living round the corner so obviously sees them. It's been a big shock to find he doesn't see me as family - which he did, for the last 20 years or so.

Re the local group, two of us are going out next week and have messaged all the others but the organiser said she has constant feedback that no one can be bothered.

So...it is what it is. I have a couple of work contacts who say their social lives haven't changed at all. Perhaps they are lucky.

It's strange not being on anyone's priority list. It's also strange that decades long friendships just disappear.

My best mate is single, childfree and used to be around a lot. I'm aware that a large part of the gap in my life is about his silence, but it doesn't look like that will change. Ho hum.

[Leothebear]

Hi SP,

I think there may be a widespread malaise at the moment due to several factors, all bad. Putin and his war, the economy, Brexit(still), loss of faith in those who govern, even the time of year - grey drizzle grey for many.

There's more I suspect. The only one that will improve anytime soon is the time of year. The outlook for the remainder doesn't look great. Bloody depressing! I suspect there are those who are very frightened about the prospect of a nuclear war.

So your isolation could well be down to that. Nothing personal.

I think you're right, for the sake of our mental health we should be socialising more and avoiding the never ending flow of depressing news. A bit easier said than done - once in a fug it's hard to get out.

Sorry I can't give you a solution. I may have given you a part of the cause.

Best wishes

Leo

[Adamski]

I find exercise good way of getting outside and keep your mind and body active can lift your mood. Even just a walk or bike ride. At this time of year people don't get enough sunlight, which is part of it. And if its your thing join an exercise class or group whatever exercise you're into. Best wishes.

[Sunnypad]

Leo - yes, maybe that's on people's minds more than they want to say. Also, I'm glad you said that because it made me realise, they might feel unable to say so because I'm not much of a news person?

Adamski - I do get bad SAD but it's been very well in hand the last few years. The brain fail thing happened most of yesterday too. I do wonder if it's partly the strain of helping mum is showing itself in other ways. I think I said, I don't talk to people about it as it's so depressing, I don't feel anyone should have to hear about it.

Mum has some younger friends, in their 30s, who have backed away completely in the last couple of months. I suspect it's because she's hit the point of old age that's become depressing to see.

I do think spring will help.

[Loup321]

I think it's a common problem. Or at least it seems to be at the moment. I have a group of work colleagues who I met in October 2020 at an online knitting circle. It was great, and many of them had been in the circle before Lockdown, but I had only just found it. Probably a core of 5 people, with another 5-10 that popped in occasionally. Great fun. We even got a few in-person meets at work in a FREEZING barn of a place, very socially distanced with the doors open.
Then, it just drifted apart. A couple met in the park, but that's a bit cold most of the year. The organizer has been silent for ages (I really must email her), so I started opening up the Zoom call having emailed everyone, but once or twice one person would come. Now I am back on site on the regular meeting day, I can't Zoom in my open plan office, so I have started booking a room. I have been sat there like a Billy-no-mates half the time, and the other half it's only been two or three of us. And one of them has moved to the US. There's now no motivation for me to book the room, really. So it will dwindle. And die.

Leo makes good points. Also, going out socially is a good thing. But no one has any money, so that doesn't happen. We give money to the children so they have a nice half term, and they don't notice that things are different, but then we have no money left to take the children out anywhere. And it's bitterly cold at the moment.

I have one friend who I try to see every week. We either have dinner at her house or mine. Yesterday, it was my turn, and it was lunch, and we had a lovely afternoon playing card and word games with the children. But our girls are growing up - one is in secondary school, while the other is in the last year of primary. Although they are still best friends, they want to do other things some Fridays after school. They have other friends. So some weeks, we Mums don't meet up. And it will drift further.

And there are no groups locally I want to join. Or at least not at times when I can make it. (Why is Wednesday so much more suitable for a knitting group than Friday, but my day off is Friday?) So I might exist in this existence until I retire. It's not that bad really unless I start dwelling on it.

I know exactly where you are coming from Sunnypad. I don't think there is an answer. I knit - it's productive and relaxing. I also do small amounts of gardening which gives me a great sense of accomplishment if even one carrot grows, although it's a bit cold at the moment. I bake, and the crocuses and daffodils are coming up out the kitchen window right now. But friendships and lives do seem to be moving on rapidly.

Sorry, this seems to be a message about how rubbish life it, rather than the pick-me-up you wanted. And I've just thought of another two things. I'm really feeling the cold this morning, which does affect my mood. I might go out for a walk later and decide what to do when I win the lottery.

Hugs all round, and wishes for Spring starting soon!

[Sunnypad]

Thanks *Loup* that does make me feel better. I am so used to a busy social life, and having people round here is my preference in fact, so I tend to just think it's my fault.

There is a big gap for me though, I thought I was getting used to it but perhaps I'm not. So I will continue to make an effort,

You say things are moving on rapidly - I have that sense too, but it's as if things aren't stopping. I am so used to thinking of my best friend as family, I've known him 23 years, it's quite a jolt to think that he isn't family, if that makes sense.

[Loup321]

I think the line between friends and family is blurred. You know who is and who isn't biologically related to you, but we have our "work family," our "TLF family" and our "biological family" among many others. The word is blurring, so our feelings around it are blurring. Yet another thing that is moving on?

I also far prefer entertaining at my home over going out, mainly because I don't have to go home afterwards! Everyone else has to deal with that, but not me! So I make the effort to alternate between my house and their house - one of us gets the clearing up and the other has the walk home whatever the weather or time. I still always host on New Year's Eve though because that's too late and too dark for me, and I'm quite happy to put off the clearing up until next year. I recognise that it's selfish, but I wonder whether some of your friends who used to come and visit feel that they're always the ones who have to travel, and that adds another couple of hours to the commitment over your commitment time.

Also, I am always the one to suggest meeting up. I have one friend who suggests it once a year, but the other 5-6 times I am the one to suggest it, and usually suggest what to do. With my sister, I can't remember the last time she suggested a date, unless anyone is going to count my nephew's birthday about 3 days before knowing that it was on a day that my daughter dances (we didn't go). The friend I meet every week, we usually discuss things the week before, but it mostly alternates. But with my ex's family, I am the one to suggest dates and pester everyone until they reply, and then they still moan they never see their niece! And somehow I have become responsible for arranging family Zoom meetings for my daughter's two aunts and three cousins - one aunt is the parent of all three of the cousins. You would think they could arrange it themselves!

So, I feel put upon, and resolve not to contact anyone until they have contacted me, and then it's Christmas again and I realise I only saw my sister for my daughter's birthday and when our Dad came for Christmas in the whole of 2022. I guess I need to be the organizer, because everyone else is incompetent! So I have seen my sister once already this year, we have decided on a date for an Easter Egg Hunt (at my house, because I'm far too busy to go to hers), and we have discussed my daughter's birthday. Her son's birthday is first, but I'll just keep a random day free and tell her that's when I will visit. And I will book a room for the knitting circle tomorrow, and email everyone. If I'm Billy-no-mates again, at least I'll get the back of my jumper finished.

(I think I've warmed up since this morning)

[Sunnypad]

*Loup* oh I always offer to go there. Believe me, I have really put myself out over the years. To be told that bestie doesn't even have the "emotional bandwidth" for messaging was definitely an eye opener.

I must keep in mind the old "never make a priority out of someone who sees you an option".

I appreciate you trying to find answers but having satisfied myself that it's (hopefully) not my fault, I think there's not much point analysing it. I just have to learn to accept it.

[GlasVladak]

I wish you the best , my internet interlocutor *HUG*

[stewamax]

One of the best mood-lifters is doing something for someone else.
It may be stating the obvious, but whereas social groups depend on people wanting to socialise, many people out there are simply in need of someone to do something that they cannot do themselves and cannot find some professional to so - either because the job is too small or cannot be afforded.

If there is something you are good at, or at least better than most at, you will find a sympathetic recipient and the pleasure of a 'good job well done'.