Emotions catching me by surprise

[Clariman]

My father passed away earlier this year, at a good age. It was no great surprise and he was comfortable in his latter years - despite losing my Mum a few years earlier. This weekend I have found myself quite emotional - not for the passing of my father (not on the surface of it anyway), but for the passing of time. I am having a really good clear out of old files and I am finding it surprisingly emotional.

In particular, I am really feeling emotional about the happy family times we had with Master C when he was younger - I've come across sales schedules of the houses he grew up in, itineraries of long past holidays, primary and secondary school class photographs etc. It brings back happy memories but I feel sad that they can never be again. It's not as if he has just left home - he has been away for ages, but I'd love to have him back home at the moment. I think this is the first time I have ever felt like this. Mrs C and I have always agreed that the number one task of a parent is to bring up the next generation as being able to look after themselves and lead independent lives. And we've done that and am pleased we've done that, but it's upsetting me for the first time. Why on earth?

Thanks for listening
Clariman

[Pipsmum]

The family mantle has wrapped itself around your shoulders. It's a big invisible hug and not a burden.

[Dod1010]

I think deep down you are realising the passage of time. Maybe you are coming to the realisation that you are the one now on the front line as it were and that you are (probably) no longer in the first flush of youth. Emotions are weird and often inexplicable.

If you are not a church goer you may not appreciate my next comment but the sermon in our church this morning was based on the Psalms of David. I was brought up in the Church of Scotland and in those days, the Psalms were very commonly sung and used as texts. I found it very emotional this morning as it took me back a very long way to my youth. I feel I have an excuse at the moment as it is just over a year since my wife died and emotions are still very raw but you are probably feeling the same deep down because of the loss of your father. The passing of the generations. You suddenly are realising that time is passing.

Photographs, memories, music and all sorts of other things can set emotions off, often completely out of the blue. It is I am assured totally natural.

Deep down most of us are like that, traditional stiff upper lip or not.

Dod

[bungeejumper]

I believe you're right to attribute at least part of the cause to your father's death, Clariman. He was a big part of your life, and one of the main 'load-bearing structural supports' of your family (if you see what I mean?), and now it's going to take a while before you work out how the new structural support system is laid out. The first realisation is probably that you're stepping into his role! And that's bound to take a bit of getting used to.

And then again, you're grieving, so make allowances. It's only been a few months, so give it time and don't be surprised if the emotions come up and grab you unexpectedly every so often. That's what they're supposed to do, dammit. We'd be strange creatures if we could just think it all through in a 100% logical, efficient way when someone dies and then immediately move forward - instead, the process comes and goes for a year, two years, five years?

I had a bad time after my father died, and it was worse because it wasn't an easy death and he wasn't ready to go. It took me a couple of years to feel even remotely 'normal' after that, and the feelings just kept on coming back in waves of recollections that would often simply repeat themselves, over and over, in a way that sometimes seemed like I was locked in a loop of recurring emotions. But eventually the loops of recollections started to become less frequent (and I even started to get a little bored with going through them!), and that was how I knew I was ready to move on. Eleven years later, some of those memories can still turn me to jelly, but I now know how those memories fit into my life. Damn, I'm proud of him! I'd have liked him to see my granddaughter, but if there's anything out there beyond the grave I know he's proud of her too. And yes, I know that I'm now the eldest of the family, and statistically the next most likely one to go, and that all feels fine as well. After we die, we continue through what we leave behind. That works for me.

But you're you, and not me, and you've had a hell of a big generational shift to cope with, and the questions are big, and there aren't always easy answers. Give it all the time it takes. It'll get easier. Kind thoughts.

BJ

[Sussexlad]

I will just add a simple thought - you never really lose a loving dad. Mine died 40 years ago and yet he still guides me to some degree and I regularly remember him with immense fondness.

[AleisterCrowley]

Yes, absolutely true - lost my wonderful dad 6 years ago (to the day) and still miss him terribly. It really hit me a few months after he passed - I think you're in 'survival mode' following the death, and it really hits you when life returns to something resembling normal, but with a big gap.

[kiloran]

Yes, absolutely true - lost my wonderful dad 6 years ago (to the day) and still miss him terribly. It really hit me a few months after he passed - I think you're in 'survival mode' following the death, and it really hits you when life returns to something resembling normal, but with a big gap.

Small world.... my dad died 16 years ago today. He made it to 75, which isn't too bad, and I guess I just face facts that it happens to all of us and he wasn't particularly short-changed. He was brilliant, as good a dad as I could wish for. Oddly, I don't miss him as much as I thought I would, though not a day goes by, ever, without my thinking about him. Having my mum still around probably helps. And in many ways, I feel he's still around, I often do things and then think "that's exactly the way dad would have done that", or "that's exactly what dad would have said". There's a lot of him, his ethics, his philosophy, in me, so he hasn't totally gone. And I've lots of good memories that will last forever.

I'll be raising a glass of finest single malt to him tonight. Maybe two.

--kiloran

[stevensfo]

In particular, I am really feeling emotional about the happy family times we had with Master C when he was younger

Our boys are still quite young -21 & 24 - but I often feel the same way as you. I miss that 'golden age' when they were between 3 and 13 (v. approx!) when they were permanently happy, life was simple, and we could all play with toys on the floor without me worrying about what others thought of me.

My Dad passed away 11 years ago and I still miss him. Ironically, we were like chalk and cheese and had totally different interests and hobbies, so much so that I disliked him intensely as a teenager, but then grew closer after he retired. I started to realise that although we were very different, he makes up half my DNA and I've definitely inherited his ideas of security, planning for the future, responsibility, careful investing etc.

I've always been a nostalgic person and I don't like it at all, but I can't help it. My wife can't understand my interest in the family tree and says we should live for the future and not think about the past. If I could take an 'anti-nostalgia' pill, I would. There are times when I wake up, usually close to Christmas, when for a second or so I forget that my Dad and all my grandparents have all gone. A few weeks ago, I bought a spray can of gold paint for a photo project. The smell and sight of the paint over some cardboard took me straight back to my Primary school (we did a lot of arty stuff) and although only a few seconds, it was so vivid!

Oh well, enough of this! As my uncle says 'Nostalgia's not what it used to be!'

Steve

[Clariman]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and sharing your own experiences. I think I was (am) mourning the passing of time. My father had a degenerative disease for more than 10 years, so I had grieved for him bit by bit over that time. His death was not a momentous event in itself. It was really the final stage of that process and it seemed so natural - most of my grieving had already been done. That said, perhaps it wasn't the final stage of grief, even though I felt it was at the time.

My mother had predeceased him, so his passing did mark the end of an era and a generation for our own little family. However, I have 2 aunts and 1 uncle who are still with us.

Master C left to go to university nearly 13 years ago, and this is the first time I have felt a sense of loss for those earlier family times. I suspect it must be linked up with the passing of time and generations, knowing that I am now part of the older generation in my own family (excluding aunts and uncle).

I owe a huge amount to my parents. My dad instilled a sense of honesty, integrity and fairness in me that is at my core. I don't pretend to be perfect or to have lived a blameless life, but I hold all those values dear. He taught me that there was more to life than work or money - that one can have interests in all aspects of nature, politics, history, life etc - there are always things to learn and be interested in. He taught me to question things, rather than take them for granted or 'as read'. I hope that I have passed (and am still passing) on half of these things to Master C.

For those who have talked about losing their fathers at this time of year, I trust your happy memories will outweigh any sad feelings. Similarly for those who have lost partners. I think that would be particularly tough.

BTW - I don't mind any religious or spiritual comments. While I do not believe in God, an afterlife or a spirit world, I do appreciate the kindness in your thoughts.

Thanks
Clariman

[Clitheroekid]

I think the sensation you describe is familiar to most of us as we grow older, and it's not limited to grieving for people we've lost.

Neither is it as simple as nostalgia. It's a much more general realisation that most of our life is now behind us and that we aren't actually immortal after believing for all those decades that we were.

One of my favourite poems, part of `A Shropshire Lad' by A E Housman, always seems to capture this mood better than I ever could. It was also written a few months after his father's death.

Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?

That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.

[stewamax]

The Welsh have a word for it – hiraeth – that has no English equivalent. It is a mixture of longing for the memorable past days of our youth, for friends and family long gone, for the countryside of our childhood, for old family get-togethers, the realisation that we are transient, and (for the religious) the hope of heaven. It is nostalgia for an idealised ‘home’ you once had when young and is now gone irrevocably.

There is even a traditional song of that name sung to a hauntingly wistful tune that was often sung in the Welsh ‘singing pubs’ at the weekend when I was young.

In literal translation (by Richard Gillion):

Tell, great people of knowledge,
Of what was longing made,
And what material was put into it
That it should not fade as it is worn?

Gold wears out and silver wears out,
Velvet wears out, silk wears out,
Every ample garment wears out -
Still, despite this, longing does not wear out.

Great longing and cruel longing,
Longing which is breaking my heart;
When I most heavily by night do sleep,
Then comes longing and awakens me.

I once heard it sung (in Welsh) as a duet In an otherwise rather rowdy pub on a Saturday night. There was an immediate and utter silence for the singers (one of whom was Blue Riband winner at the National Eisteddfod – which is as good as you get). Watching faces of the listeners, one could easily guess what was running through their minds.

There are several on YouTube - my favourite is by the Morriston Orpheus choir.

[ten0rman]

Emotions are a strange effect and can catch one out unawares at the most inopportune times. I think it was almost two years ago I was telling an accompanist about our daughter who had fallen off a horse, broken her back and crushed her spinal cord some two years earlier, when I had to stop talking whilst I regained control. And only two days ago, whilst discussing my mild heart attack of almost two and a half years ago, a similar thing happened. Now I can understand being concerned over my daughter, but my heart attack? I can only think that it was because it was a near brush with death.

But it's not only me. That friend I was talking to about my heart attack has very recently been through an extremely serious illness involving sepsis, his heart, and I don't know what else. Thankfully he's now recovering, but he freely admits to having been in a very dark place despite the reassurances from the medical staff.

So, Clariman, be assured that you are not alone, and that despite the supposed stiff upper lip, we cannot wholly suppress our emotions.

Regards,

ten0rman

[PingPong]

My father passed away earlier this year, at a good age. It was no great surprise and he was comfortable in his latter years - despite losing my Mum a few years earlier. This weekend I have found myself quite emotional - not for the passing of my father (not on the surface of it anyway), but for the passing of time. I am having a really good clear out of old files and I am finding it surprisingly emotional.

In particular, I am really feeling emotional about the happy family times we had with Master C when he was younger - I've come across sales schedules of the houses he grew up in, itineraries of long past holidays, primary and secondary school class photographs etc. It brings back happy memories but I feel sad that they can never be again. It's not as if he has just left home - he has been away for ages, but I'd love to have him back home at the moment. I think this is the first time I have ever felt like this. Mrs C and I have always agreed that the number one task of a parent is to bring up the next generation as being able to look after themselves and lead independent lives. And we've done that and am pleased we've done that, but it's upsetting me for the first time. Why on earth?

Thanks for listening
Clariman

Clariman,

hope I'm not treading on toes here. And I'm not sure which point to address.
My Father has been gone 13 years now and my Mother 8. My doesn't time fly? I think now I am comfortable (or as comfortable as I'm going to get) with these losses. But like yourself there is always a trigger to emotion, a place, a photo, a piece of music and yes it does catch you by surprise. You think "why am I not over that?" And the simple answer is because you care, because you love, because you are a decent human being. I don't shun it but welcome it when it arrives out of the blue. I love these little memories that surface from time to time.

As to children mine are still at home and can be a pain the butt! My youngest is neat and tidy and my eldest has a 'floordrobe' !!! But I will miss them one hell of a lot when they move on and I hope they will ask for my help when they do - despite not getting any help round here!

Our lives go through phases and we mark them with milestones, births, marraiges, deaths and then the merry-go-round start again. I wonder if you are feeling the movement from one phase to another? Perhaps more sharply than before? I've yet to experience that myself so cannot advise. I'm just a few yards further up the helter-skelter behind you. But as the male genes in my family are particularly poor (or rather short) I don't think I'm going to reach the bottom!

My last thought is I spent a good portion of my 20's living in a house alone. That may prepare me for the day the kids fly the nest. I'll let you know when I get there.

Ping Pong