Donate to Remove ads

Got a credit card? use our Credit Card & Finance Calculators

Thanks to johnstevens77,Bhoddhisatva,scotia,Anonymous,Cornytiv34, for Donating to support the site

Those of you who know the history....

A friendly ear
Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 744
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 153 times
Been thanked: 309 times

Those of you who know the history....

#57779

Postby Sunnypad » June 4th, 2017, 5:54 pm

Hi all
Just ranting really
Some of you know I lost friends in a terror attack previously.

You may also know my sister doesn't have a mobile phone.
Guess where she likes to hang out? Guess how long it took me to get hold of her last night because it didn't occur to her to call? She left the area half an hour before but doesn't check her home phone either.

I think she might be a robot.

I think it's time to quietly drop that association. I'm not sure how much difference I will notice.

felixcanis
Lemon Pip
Posts: 70
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 8:53 am
Has thanked: 55 times
Been thanked: 25 times

Re: Those of you who know the history....

#57812

Postby felixcanis » June 4th, 2017, 9:45 pm

It's hard to keep contact with siblings who don't respond or reciprocate...

My older brother has never been one for cards or phone calls - he doesn't 'do' birthdays/christmas. I used to get cards from him - except they were joint cards from him & my parents. The last time within recent memory he phoned was after our mother died as I was doing the probate & he presumably wondered about getting his share. That was in 2014, and I've had no contact from him since he got the last bit of his inheritance.

I've sent birthday cards & christmas cards every year and got nothing back. Finally decided that I can't be bothered anymore - he may be my only living blood relative, but he shows no interest in me or my family and I've given up on expecting a response.

Very sad in a way, but on the other hand he obviously doesn't want to have contact with me so why should I continue to try. Still seems a bit hard though.

i guess I'm just trying to say - I understand what you're saying & perhaps a bit of how you feel.

FelixC

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 744
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 153 times
Been thanked: 309 times

Re: Those of you who know the history....

#57827

Postby Sunnypad » June 4th, 2017, 11:11 pm

Thanks Felix
Sorry you went through this though.
I'm grateful to have good friends. Thy have tried to tell me not to bother for some time. They were right.

quelquod
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1018
Joined: November 5th, 2016, 12:26 pm
Has thanked: 196 times
Been thanked: 189 times

Re: Those of you who know the history....

#57906

Postby quelquod » June 5th, 2017, 12:40 pm

As they say 'you can choose your friends but not your relatives'. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters scattered around the country, one only 10 miles or so distant but the others several hundreds. Never see or hear from them from 1 Christmas card until the next and one doesn't even reciprocate a card. Nothing in common and really no reason to contact as we'd have nothing to talk about. It's tempting to try to maintain a really non-existent relationship but the bottom line is that your friends matter more.

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 744
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 153 times
Been thanked: 309 times

Re: Those of you who know the history....

#57965

Postby Sunnypad » June 5th, 2017, 5:54 pm

A couple pf months ago, I politely said that I felt it was a bit pointless. She got very worked up and said that she was sorry not to have been more supportive in the parental health stuff - she doesn't see them, but she means just being a listening ear I guess. It's weird talking to someone about that when you know they don't like them though?

She also said she wanted to see me more often. Frankly I think she's running out of friends to play with.

But anyway, after discussion and giving her a chance, I thought her not bothering to be in touch when it all happened in her most frequented spot, plus her reaction when I asked why she hadn't called....I just don't feel comfortable trying to pursue a relationship even though she says she really wants to.

tonyreptiles
2 Lemon pips
Posts: 113
Joined: November 6th, 2016, 6:07 pm
Has thanked: 58 times
Been thanked: 227 times

Re: Those of you who know the history....

#57977

Postby tonyreptiles » June 5th, 2017, 7:29 pm

I ceased all contact with my family over a decade ago, an it has been a weight off my shoulders. I don't think anyone is heartbroken about the situation, and especially not me. I used to haemorrhage either cash or stress each time I went to visit them. (Note, none of them ever came to visit me - I mean EVER. In the 16 years I'd left home before I cut ties, never once did they visit, any of them.)

I made the decision because I recognised the churning dread in my stomach each time I contemplated a trip back to see them. The distance between visits grew longer as a result, and their not getting in touch in between times cemented my resolution when it finally came. What would I be losing if I cut all contact? Answer: just negative stresses.

In the end I just decided 'Nah, sod it!' and that was that.

And I've been a lot happier since then. Indeed, once you have made that decision, it's easier to deal with other painful chronic stresses. See, I can deal with acute stresses. Crashed car. Getting dumped. Losing a job. Broken leg. etc etc etc. All of these are significantly painful, but only for a while. After a few months, the issue is resolved and you can get on with your life.

Its the CHRONIC stresses that I can't deal with. I'm quick to eliminate chronic stress, because it picks at me every day and ruins my quality of life.

Squeaky bike wheel?
Oil it.

Warped front door that jams in its frame?
Plane it.

Crap mate?
Get rid.

Crap job?
Find another.

Crap girlfriend?
Dump her.

Nightmare neighbour?
Move away.

And it goes as far as families too. perhaps they get a bit of extra slack, perhaps they get away with more wrongdoing. But eventually, for me anyway, they have to go. I'm not sorry or sad about it. It was liberating. And it makes me more able and aware of other chronic stresses and the effect they have on my life. It makes me more aware of how much I value my friends and how lovely my partner is in comparison. It raises the average of my happiness, as I stack more positive people onto the good side of my life and cut the ties with the negative people.

Having read it here it sounds like I'm a harsh, unfeeling person. But I don't thinks that's true. I'm just happier now, and that's what counts, surely?

HTH and good luck.

TR

Sunnypad
Lemon Slice
Posts: 744
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 1:17 pm
Has thanked: 153 times
Been thanked: 309 times

Re: Those of you who know the history....

#58001

Postby Sunnypad » June 5th, 2017, 11:03 pm

Tony
Thank you
And what a great and helpful post, I think it will help more people than just me.


Return to “Comfort Cafe”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests