The Lemon Fool

Hi, I've no experience of this kind of thing at all but just want to give you s virtual hug. Ultimately I guess you must do what you feel comfortable with I guess. Chris x

thanks Chris

What it boils down to is that your father wants to be able trust you enough to respect his request for others not to be told.

In my opinion, the only reasons for talking to others about our problems is in the hope that whomsoever we are talking to will be able either to help us understand how to resolve the problem for ourselves or that that whomsoever will be able to resolve the problem on our behalf. Otherwise, it's just another way of going around in ever-decreasing circles.

The only person to share (talk about) your father's news with is your father. Talk to him: allow conversation to flow. The objective is what is known in counselling circles as 'completing your relationship' with him. Get to know him as a person, not merely as your father.

As children, we rarely really know our parents as people - individuals in their own right. Who knows: he might even get to know you too as a person and not merely as his daughter/son.

There is an awful lot in this thread that is very sad and having had two wives predecease me I have a fair bit of experience. Clearly Sunnypad must respect her father's wishes not to tell anyone. There will probably be time enough for that later. My second wife died of cancer at age 60 last year (considerably younger than me). It was her choice to tell her friends and she did but she hated the expression 'fighting' cancer. In fact for most of the 3 1/2 years post diagnosis before she died, 'she treated it with disdain' was the best way I could describe her attitude and she just got on with her life as best she could (at times not very well after taking some of the drugs) Cancer of course has become so common nowadays mainly because we are getting a lot better at curing other problems.

This wife was not a church goer so that did not come into it. My first wife was though and I remember at the time thinking just the same as someone else said about the total lack of support from that quarter. I felt strongly enough about it (my wife was on dialysis for almost her last two years and were we struggling!) to the extent that I arranged for her funeral service to be at the local Crem (20 miles away) rather than the village church. That way only those who I assumed cared would come along. A surprising number from the church did. Now, 17 years later, I think it was because people simply would not know what to say or do if they knocked on my door and to be fair, we were not in that much anyway. But some of the problem is our natural stiff upper lip or natural reticence. Most of us in this country are very reserved. In fact the only ones whom I know who are naturally outgoing are those from the west of Scotland (my second wife came from Paisley and knew everyone at say a cocktail party within no more than half an hour) Some of us do not like that kind of approach either, although I found it very refreshing.

Having had to arrange more than my fair share of funerals in the last 20 years (said two wives plus one set of inlaws), I do not think you should blame most undertakers. A lot of the cost of funerals is to do with the local authority (especially if they run the Crematorium) and I have found the undertaker generally sympathetic to the need to keep costs down. Often we are the ones who are not thinking particularly rationally at the time and want a good 'send off' for the deceased.

Dod

hi all

I have reported the posts about funerals because a) I have NO idea how they got here and b) I would prefer not to discuss funerals just yet?!! I'm sure you will all be supportive when the time comes but I would really rather not discuss it now?!

to update -

I no longer have any desire at all to talk to anyone else about it, it's just really my boss who might need to know.

re dad being seen, he saw on the TV that they are now aiming to see cancer patients in 2 months which seems poor. So he wasn't going to chase up but I suggested he did, mostly because my mum is so unwell generally and with this strain on top...

anyway, we were initially given an appointment for the end of the month but then got a phone call saying, actually it shouldn't be left this long so is now tomorrow.

no doubt I will update! Thanks all.

Another big hug from me, Sunnypad. We had similar with my wife's sister two years ago, and it helped us a lot to know that others were thinking of us. What we also found, was how many absolutely wonderful people there are out there in this field. With patience, love, care, and also humour. We will never forget them.

Thinking of you

BJ

Thank you Mel. Apologies accepted and I agree that public discussion of this sort of thing is not good. Let peace reign!

Dod

Hi Sunnypad, I can't offer advice but I'm thinking of you and your dad.