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Clarity needed

A friendly ear
Shocksandstares
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Joined: November 4th, 2016, 10:38 am

Clarity needed

#72636

Postby Shocksandstares » August 7th, 2017, 11:56 am

Apologies for a long post, I've been running things through in my mind and would quite like to get others opinions. I will try to keep the issue to the facts.

My sister has recently announced she is expecting a child having opted for sperm donation. She is single, late thirties, and financially stable, though not in the best of health due to excessive weight. Her intention is for our mother to assist in the raising of the child for at least the first few months. It has not been discussed beyond this point. Our mother is 70, retired, again is not in the best of health having had a series of strokes two years ago which left her physically able, but her memory has been affected and while her brain is still repairing itself she can often become overtired from doing too much in a day. My mother wants to help as much as she can, but is wary of her health and other commitments (she wants to go on a few holidays, enjoy retirement etc!).

I've never got on with my sister, we are complete opposites of each other. We tolerate each other at family gatherings, but do not socialise otherwise.

And this is where I am torn. My natural reaction is to be very angry with my sister. I feel that she is being incredibly selfish in deciding to bring a child into the world without a father. I realise a lot of single mothers do a fantastic job (My parents split when I was 3, so I was raised by a single mother myself), but my mother never intended to be a single mother, not was I deprived of a relationship with my father. To me she is putting her self indulgent ways ahead of the rights of the child. I am also very concerned the effect this will have on my mother and asked her to be very clear with my sister on what she feels she is comfortable doing to help out, and not be co-erced into doing more. I feel she will not be able to say no when it comes to it, and end up making herself ill again. I am at the stage where I want to terminate all contact with my sister as I have no inclination to ever see her again, but fear this will add further to my mother's stress.

So, I'm asking for some clarity. Is my reaction over the top, and tainted by my general dislike of her before she announced she was pregnant? I've tried to think how I would react if a friend was doing this, but am unable to split out the emotional involvement.

Any views most appreciated. If I'm being an unreasonable git, then tell me!

gryffron
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Re: Clarity needed

#72651

Postby gryffron » August 7th, 2017, 12:21 pm

My sympathies. But your mother and sister are both grown up individuals who can and will make their own decisions.

However much you disapprove of those decisions, IMO you should keep any intervention to a minimum. A quiet word with mum perhaps. Any more than that and you risk driving a wedge between yourself and your sister, and quite possibly even with your mother. :(

Gryff

Sunnypad
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Re: Clarity needed

#72694

Postby Sunnypad » August 7th, 2017, 2:19 pm

I realise some posters will be unhappy at my comment but....

having children is the decision of the parent/s. It is fundamentally selfish in itself. I don't know that the absence of a father is the issue frankly.

The major issue for me would be that your mother might feel under pressure - and more importantly, has your sister actually made the choice based on the assumption that your mum would help?

I'm sorry to say one of my friends was really putting upon her mother (75) recently and expecting help from 6am - it took quite a few of us commenting before she caved in and got paid help!

You and your sister already don't get on it seems so I don't see anything wrong with saying to her "please don't stress mum out too much". I would be wary of driving a wedge between you and your mum though.

Sussexlad
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Re: Clarity needed

#72898

Postby Sussexlad » August 8th, 2017, 8:36 am

Hi

As an aside, I don't agree with Sunnypad that having a child is fundamentally a selfish act. I doubt many individuals would say they wish they hadn't been conceived, even if their circumstances aren't ideal.

As for these particular circumstances, I do think depriving a child of a father is selfish, as is conceiving a child when you have no intention of being involved in their lives. It not only deprives the child of what should be a beneficial relationship but invariably robs the taxpayer. In the last few decades we seem to believe we can ignore natural law and do our own thing, whatever the consequences.

Irrespective of your relationship with your sister, I also think you are perfectly entitled and that it is the right thing to do, to protect your mum from being exploited. I would have a chat with her and discover what she is happy to do to assist your sister. I would then explain this to your sister and say that beyond this commitment, she must seek professional help, as the very last thing your mum needs is additional stress. Personally, I would not be concerned about any repercussions, as your sister is the instigator of the situation and your mum should not suffer as a result.

Clariman
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Re: Clarity needed

#72915

Postby Clariman » August 8th, 2017, 9:44 am

I understand where you are coming from - and there may be some selfishness involved (difficult to comment without knowing her personally) - but she is having a baby so the deed is done and you should do your best to be happy for her.

I think you are looking at it from a perspective that is coloured by your feelings towards your sister. A new life coming into the world may bring your mother great joy and happiness. I don't know your circumstances, but would you enjoy having a little niece/nephew? Would you like to be part of its life, even though you don't get on with your sister?

From what you have said, there is a risk that presumptions have been made about how much your mum will be asked to do, but she may have volunteered and agreed to it in advance, so you need to tread carefully.

Clariman

vrdiver
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Re: Clarity needed

#72919

Postby vrdiver » August 8th, 2017, 9:50 am

Shocksandstares wrote:My sister has recently announced she is expecting a child having opted for sperm donation. ...
How would you feel if she had said "I'm pregnant. I've split up from the father"?

Her intention is for our mother to assist in the raising of the child for at least the first few months. It has not been discussed beyond this point.
You mention sister is "financially stable". Presumably this means she has a job and will be returning to work after maternity leave?
In which case there is (in my mind, at least) a heavy suspicion that the first few months of help will become the expected and increasing "norm".


Our mother is 70, retired, again is not in the best of health
Which should be a worry to all three of you re looking after a small child. If something happens to your mother, what of the child?
You may be able to persuade your mother that it is in the best interests of the child that her babysitting obligations are minimised and / or never left as only adult, based on her own health.


My mother wants to help as much as she can, but is wary of her health and other commitments (she wants to go on a few holidays, enjoy retirement etc!).
Help your mum to pencil in diary dates for her holidays, days out / days with friends and then help her to be firm about what regular commitments she can make to her daughter.

I've never got on with my sister, we are complete opposites of each other. We tolerate each other at family gatherings, but do not socialise otherwise.
Fair enough. At least you're not feuding. If only for your mum's sake it would be good not to let the relationship worsen. That means not being seen to "interfere". A tough call.

So, I'm asking for some clarity. Is my reaction over the top, and tainted by my general dislike of her before she announced she was pregnant? I've tried to think how I would react if a friend was doing this, but am unable to split out the emotional involvement.
Not OTT, just protective of your mum, healthwise and her being used as free childcare. The emotions don't help, but the logic in your post seems clear enough.


Any views most appreciated. If I'm being an unreasonable git, then tell me!
Keep talking to your mum! If she is getting stressed or over-tired, then you can intervene, but be careful not to start a sibling feud with mum caught in the middle. If the emotional involvement is too much, can you bring a third party into the discussion? Either a health visitor or one of your mum's friends perhaps? Your mum may be looking forward to being a grandma (you didn't say what her general view is, other than wanting to help) and it would be a shame to spoil that, either by overzelous shielding or by it becoming too much work.

didds
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Re: Clarity needed

#72941

Postby didds » August 8th, 2017, 10:59 am

Sussexlad wrote:Hi

As an aside, I don't agree with Sunnypad that having a child is fundamentally a selfish act. I doubt many individuals would say they wish they hadn't been conceived, even if their circumstances aren't ideal..



and if we all stopped having children then we'd be in a pickle once we all got very old and infirm. let alone need somebody to pay taxes for the infrastructure we live in, and state pensions etc. So somebody somewhere having children sometimeis in effect a necessity. That aside... for my 2p I think the sister is being phenomenally selfish wrt the elderly mother's involvement.

didds

GJHarney
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Re: Clarity needed

#73669

Postby GJHarney » August 11th, 2017, 10:36 am

Shocksandstares wrote:So, I'm asking for some clarity. Is my reaction over the top, and tainted by my general dislike of her before she announced she was pregnant? I've tried to think how I would react if a friend was doing this, but am unable to split out the emotional involvement.

Any views most appreciated. If I'm being an unreasonable git, then tell me!



Yes, and yes in my view I'm afraid. My mum was a single parent for most of my childhood after separating from my dad who worked abroad. I survived without him. My own wife died unexpectedly when our son was a year old. That was 11 years ago, and I have worked f/t time throughout and with limited/no family support due to not living near any other family members. I managed and he is fine (but it would have been a 100 times better with his mum there of course). Single parent families can work fine, as a member of Gingerbread I read about other sp families all the time who struggle sometimes but do ok.

So your rant against a sp family in the making is misplaced. As is the fact that it is your sisters body and she has the right to have a child while she still can in age terms.

That leaves your fears of your mum being asked to do too much to help out. That may happen, but if it does deal with it at the time, perhaps by offering to help out yourself assuming you can get over yourself ;)

Sunnypad
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Re: Clarity needed

#73824

Postby Sunnypad » August 11th, 2017, 7:36 pm

GHarbey, I can't see why you told Shocks to get over herself. she did post on CC after all and said straight out that she might be being irrational.

As for offering to help out, I can imagine that might be a fear that shocks has, being expected to be involved with the child of someone you don't even like. I know it's hard Shocks. I have a friend who only speaks to her brother because she feels unable to cut contact on account of the mum. The brother is now hoping to have children and my friend is in that spot where she's going to visit twice a year and smile, then cut off as soon as mum is gone. So any kids might be confused, but she feels it would upset her mother so much to cut him off now, she won't do it.

Personally I'd cut off - what if mum lives to 100?

Anyway, I hope you are okay.

brightncheerful
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Re: Clarity needed

#74315

Postby brightncheerful » August 14th, 2017, 12:12 pm

If I'm being an unreasonable git, then tell me!

You are being an reasonable git! :lol:

Or rather the reasons you are projecting onto your sister and your mother are connected to your wanting your sister to be as considerate (to your mother and to the world at large) as you like to think you are.

You cannot live your mother's life for her, any more than you can live your sister's. Needing clarity is symptomatic is clouding your intuition. By wanting to impose your views on others as to how things should be, including imagining how you would react if a friend was doing this, you are confusing yourself.

To untangle your feelings, deep breath. In and out in your own time. Slowly. Centre yourself. If you must imagine then focus on where you are now in relation to where you want to be and then what it is you need to do to close/bridge the gap.

Your task is to be you. Be yourself and not what is expected of you and/or what others expect of you and the clarity will return.

And if you want to accelerate the process then offer to help your sister (by telling her you are there for her if she needs you): it is likely to be a challenging journey for her. Your mother is likely to thank you: it cannot be easy for her having daughters that don't get on.


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