The King

[squiffy2]

MANY, many years ago, far away in a land where royalty was still an
acceptable fad, THE KING determined that he had to leave the country for
an extended business trip, to do whatever it is that kings do. (n.b. "THE
KING" is capitalized in this narrative, so as to not confuse this august
personage with Elvis.)

Such a prolonged absence, of course, requires considerable planning for
the orderly continuance of the country's business, so THE KING called into
court three of his closest, most trusted noblemen. They were the Count of
Amalgam, the Count of Whizzee, and the Count of Basie (they are identified
here, so you can keep count).

"I am going out of the country for the next few months on KINGly business,
and I am entrusting you with the keys to the treasury, so that regular
country business can continue. I will require a complete accounting upon
my return, and you will be severely thrashed about the head and ears with
the executioner's axe if anything is awry!" (One of the early executive
management incentive programs, one assumes.)


So THE KING went away on his kingly business, doing whatever it is that
kings do, and came back several months later. After verifying the status
of the Queen's chastity belt (one assumes), THE KING called his three
trusted counts to detail the royal spending. Down they all trooped to the
castle's basement, down past the dungeon, down past the ghouls and ogres,
down past those idiot gamesters picking up boxes and lockets and carrying
wooden swords and poison charms, etc, finally down to the treasury.

"Open the door, Count Amalgam" ordered THE KING. And so, Count Amalgam
opened the door, and, lo and behold, the treasury was EMPTY! Not even a
bit of gold dust in the corner!

"WE ARE NOT AMUSED!" shouted THE KING, in a preview of a later monarch's
comments in 19th century Britain. "Guard! Take these counts to the
executioner! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

After the executioner sharpened the axe, he raised it in a mighty swing,
and as the fearsome blade was descending, the first Count to receive the
low neck shave shouted "WAIT! I'll tell where th......ARRRGH"

Oops.

THE KING was in a serious rage by now. "Let's torture the Count of
Whizzee -- maybe we can get him to talk and tell where the treasury went.
Well, with several days of the most excruciating torture, including
hearing fingernails scraping on chalkboards, being forced to use towels
without fabric softener, and even worse, there was no progress, so the
Count of Whizzee was taken to the chopping block.

After the executioner sharpened the axe again, he raised it in a mighty
swing, and as the fearsome blade was descending, the Count of Whizzee also
suddenly cried out "WAIT! I can tell where th......ARRRGH"

Oops.

Again.

Now, THE KING was REALLY worried. His impetuosity in head-chopping had
lost two out of three chances for locating the treasury, and only the
Count of Basie was left. Again, more questioning, more torture, (I think
they even made him ride in the back seat of a Yugo wagon!) and finally THE
KING lost patience -- "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!"

The executioner sharpened the axe a third time, he raised it in a mighty
swing, and as the fearsome blade was descending, the Count of Basie also
suddenly cried out "WAIT! I can tell where th......ARRRGH"

Oops.

Again.

Again.

"Oh, me, oh, my. What shall I do?" cried THE KING.

Just then, a magic wizard appeared from out of a cloud of smoke. "I may
not be able to help you, your majesty, in your immediate problem, but I
have a bit of advice for you in the future."

"Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken!"