From Mitch Hedberg

[laladonny]

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

[StepOne]

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

It wouldn't fall down, it'll just droop. But anyway, if it's a map of the whole globe then the two top corners (in fact the entire top row) would all be the same place - the North pole, so you only have to travel there and the job is done.

Cheers,
StepOne