Donate to Remove ads

Got a credit card? use our Credit Card & Finance Calculators

Thanks to bruncher,mark88man,stirlo,johnstevens77,Rhyd6, for Donating to support the site

More handy hints

Laughter is the best medicine, find and post jokes. nothing too saucy please, Dad jokes, Current news jokes..
Forum rules
Material posted here that is disparaging towards any group on the basis of race, faith, nationality, gender, disability or sexual orientation will be deleted and any poster of such material risks suspension.
laladonny
Lemon Slice
Posts: 263
Joined: November 18th, 2016, 12:03 am
Been thanked: 100 times

More handy hints

#259383

Postby laladonny » October 22nd, 2019, 1:29 am

Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Rappers: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

Blind people: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

Depressed people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

Motorists: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your phone inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.

Single men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Victoria's Secret with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

McDonald's: Make your brown carrier bags green in color so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Women: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a suit anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterwards.

Villa
Posts: 12
Joined: August 12th, 2019, 8:24 am
Has thanked: 2 times

Re: More handy hints

#259490

Postby Villa » October 22nd, 2019, 8:40 pm

From ‘Viz’ of course!

AsleepInYorkshire
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1285
Joined: February 7th, 2017, 9:36 pm
Has thanked: 1280 times
Been thanked: 602 times

Re: More handy hints

#259518

Postby AsleepInYorkshire » October 22nd, 2019, 10:11 pm

laladonny wrote:Women: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a suit anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterwards.

Good job we only have a very small rug in the lounge

AiY

StepOne
Lemon Slice
Posts: 644
Joined: November 4th, 2016, 9:17 am
Has thanked: 189 times
Been thanked: 174 times

Re: More handy hints

#259650

Postby StepOne » October 23rd, 2019, 1:31 pm

Could this be a record for most number of forum rules broken in one post? (see highlighted section at the top of the board ^)

stevensfo
Lemon Quarter
Posts: 1047
Joined: November 5th, 2016, 8:43 am
Has thanked: 587 times
Been thanked: 300 times

Re: More handy hints

#259746

Postby stevensfo » October 23rd, 2019, 9:41 pm

Wednesday's Top Tip:

Think of a subject, any subject. Now imagine that everyone is gutted, stunned, gobsmacked, and there is outrage, fury, uproar, mounting anger, growing concern, growing resentment and the story has gone viral.

Repeat for another subject.

You will save hundreds of pounds by never having to buy a tabloid again.

Steve


Return to “Laughing Lemons”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests