Depressing humour

[brightncheerful]

My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald. I'm not bothered; it's hair loss.

I've a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower but the image was blurry. he has selfie steam issues

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

When the 'phone rang at 3am yesterday, my wife said "who's calling at this time?' I replied "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the 'phone."

After I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow, I rang her up to ask if she got my drift.

'When her boyfriend proposed marriage to her, she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

[Mike4]

When the 'phone rang at 3am yesterday, my wife said "who's calling at this time?' I replied "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the 'phone."

True story:

Back in 1977 and I'd just had a phone installed in my house boat. It rang and I picked it up and a voice in a strong Irish accent asked "Is Pete there?" I said sorry, wrong number, no-one called Pete here. Without even the faintest pause the voice at the other end answered with "Well if you're the wrong number, what did you pick up the phone for?"

Not often I'm speechless but I found myself floundering for a response to this immaculate logic.

[brightncheerful]

Why were you sorry? Surely it was for the caller to apologise?
Unless you were sorry to have wasted the caller's time - which from what you say was likely.

[Mike4]

Why were you sorry? Surely it was for the caller to apologise?
Unless you were sorry to have wasted the caller's time - which from what you say was likely.

Sorry to have to disappoint the caller, silly! Also sorry and disappointing the call on my new phone was not for MEE!!!! Obvs...

Have you been on the sherry tonight again?

[stevensfo]

When the 'phone rang at 3am yesterday, my wife said "who's calling at this time?' I replied "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the 'phone."

True story:

Back in 1977 and I'd just had a phone installed in my house boat. It rang and I picked it up and a voice in a strong Irish accent asked "Is Pete there?" I said sorry, wrong number, no-one called Pete here. Without even the faintest pause the voice at the other end answered with "Well if you're the wrong number, what did you pick up the phone for?"

Not often I'm speechless but I found myself floundering for a response to this immaculate logic.

Reminds me of: "A return ticket please?"
-- Where to?
"Back here, of course!"

or...on the phone again....

Kenneth Horne: "Hello?"
Hugh Paddick: "Hello?"
Kenneth Horne: "May I have your name?"
Hugh Paddick: "Yes, it's Mr Paddick. May I have yours?"
Kenneth Horne: "Of course. It's Mr Horne."
Hugh Paddick: "Thank you. Well, goodbye Mr Paddick."
Kenneth Horne: "Goodbye Mr Horne."

Steve PS I was too young to remember 'Round the Horne' but I discovered the mp3s in my 50s and, especially put into context, find the comedy amazing!

[AsleepInYorkshire]

True story:

Back in 1977 and I'd just had a phone installed in my house boat. It rang and I picked it up and a voice in a strong Irish accent asked "Is Pete there?" I said sorry, wrong number, no-one called Pete here. Without even the faintest pause the voice at the other end answered with "Well if you're the wrong number, what did you pick up the phone for?"

Not often I'm speechless but I found myself floundering for a response to this immaculate logic.

The first house me and my good lady purchased together was a 1,000FT2 detached home on a lovely residential estate in a small town. She was 19 and I was 24. We hadn't been in the house long, perhaps a week or two when there was a knock at the front door. I opened the door and a woman in her mid to late forties looked at me and said "Is your Dad home?" "No", I said. "Is your Mum home?", she asked. "No", I said again. It then went very quiet for about two or three seconds after that. She looked a little embarrassed and said "Oh this is you home isn't it?" Don't ask me what she wanted or was trying to sell as I can't recall.

AiY

[Mike4]

True story:

Back in 1977 and I'd just had a phone installed in my house boat. It rang and I picked it up and a voice in a strong Irish accent asked "Is Pete there?" I said sorry, wrong number, no-one called Pete here. Without even the faintest pause the voice at the other end answered with "Well if you're the wrong number, what did you pick up the phone for?"

Not often I'm speechless but I found myself floundering for a response to this immaculate logic.

The first house me and my good lady purchased together was a 1,000FT2 detached home on a lovely residential estate in a small town. She was 19 and I was 24. We hadn't been in the house long, perhaps a week or two when there was a knock at the front door. I opened the door and a woman in her mid to late forties looked at me and said "Is your Dad home?" "No", I said. "Is your Mum home?", she asked. "No", I said again. It then went very quiet for about two or three seconds after that. She looked a little embarrassed and said "Oh this is you home isn't it?" Don't ask me what she wanted or was trying to sell as I can't recall.

AiY

Lol when I was fitting bathrooms I sometimes had the customer's house to myself and occasionally the doorbell would ring. One day a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses were at the door. I interrupted them by saying "Sorry I don't live here, the householders are out at work I'm just the plumber doing a bathroom refit". They were totally defeated by this and apologised and went on their way to try the next house along.

As they walked off I wondered why they didn't persist in trying to convert me. Maybe they decided plumbers don't count as human beans!

[csearle]

Maybe they decided plumbers don't count as human beans!

Well ever since plumbers started nicking the holes in joists that electricians have prepared they deserve all they get C. x

[jfgw]

Well ever since plumbers started nicking the holes in joists that electricians have prepared they deserve all they get C. x

You need to learn to share! I'm sure you can squeeze a bit of PVC cable in alongside that primary flow pipe from the boiler


Julian F. G. W.

[stevensfo]

True story:

Back in 1977 and I'd just had a phone installed in my house boat. It rang and I picked it up and a voice in a strong Irish accent asked "Is Pete there?" I said sorry, wrong number, no-one called Pete here. Without even the faintest pause the voice at the other end answered with "Well if you're the wrong number, what did you pick up the phone for?"

Not often I'm speechless but I found myself floundering for a response to this immaculate logic.

The first house me and my good lady purchased together was a 1,000FT2 detached home on a lovely residential estate in a small town. She was 19 and I was 24. We hadn't been in the house long, perhaps a week or two when there was a knock at the front door. I opened the door and a woman in her mid to late forties looked at me and said "Is your Dad home?" "No", I said. "Is your Mum home?", she asked. "No", I said again. It then went very quiet for about two or three seconds after that. She looked a little embarrassed and said "Oh this is you home isn't it?" Don't ask me what she wanted or was trying to sell as I can't recall.

AiY

Until around the age of 30, age vs looks vary a lot, and I guess that's why actors get to play characters much younger than their own age. Young adults are furious when asked to prove in stores and pubs that they're over 18, whereas older women think it's the greatest compliment ever. I retained my youthful looks long after I deserved to, but lost them overnight when my kids became teenagers and the grey hairs and high blood pressure appeared!

OB joke:
"Hello little boy, is your mother in?"
Boy: Takes drag on a cigarette. "Nope!"
"Well, is your father in?"
Boy: Takes swig out of beer can. "Nope."
"Er, well, are there any adults in?"
Boy: Farts and spits into corner. "Wot d'you ###### think?"

[Arborbridge]

AiYs story reminded me of an incident from the days when boys had long hair....

I had a woman friend, very petite androgynous, page boy hair cut - with a young son sporting gorgeous long hair.

They got on a bus together and the driver said to the mother: "How old's your sister, Sonny?"


Arb.

[stevensfo]

AiYs story reminded me of an incident from the days when boys had long hair....

I had a woman friend, very petite androgynous, page boy hair cut - with a young son sporting gorgeous long hair.

They got on a bus together and the driver said to the mother: "How old's your sister, Sonny?"


Arb.

I went to school in the UK, back in the olden days when teachers actually used to tell pupils that their hair was too short...too long etc (delete where applicable) and order them to change it. How our mothers put up with this insult, I shall never understand. I guess they were too busy.

Soon after I was in France, at a desk, shouting "Madame, s'il vous plait..Madame?"

The guy was not too happy!

Steve

[Gerry557]

When the 'phone rang at 3am yesterday, my wife said "who's calling at this time?' I replied "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the 'phone."

True story:

Back in 1977 and I'd just had a phone installed in my house boat. It rang and I picked it up and a voice in a strong Irish accent asked "Is Pete there?" I said sorry, wrong number, no-one called Pete here. Without even the faintest pause the voice at the other end answered with "Well if you're the wrong number, what did you pick up the phone for?"

Not often I'm speechless but I found myself floundering for a response to this immaculate logic.

Another true story.

I answered the work phone, 30+ employees.

Caller - is my dad there?
Me - who's calling?
Caller - its his son!

[stevensfo]

When the 'phone rang at 3am yesterday, my wife said "who's calling at this time?' I replied "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the 'phone."

True story:

Back in 1977 and I'd just had a phone installed in my house boat. It rang and I picked it up and a voice in a strong Irish accent asked "Is Pete there?" I said sorry, wrong number, no-one called Pete here. Without even the faintest pause the voice at the other end answered with "Well if you're the wrong number, what did you pick up the phone for?"

Not often I'm speechless but I found myself floundering for a response to this immaculate logic.

Another true story.

I answered the work phone, 30+ employees.

Caller - is my dad there?
Me - who's calling?
Caller - its his son!

My parents left me to babysit my two younger sisters as soon as I was able. To put this into perspective, a girl from next door had been babysitting me etc before and I still saw her on the school bus. In those days, you did what you were told. Time moved fast.

One evening, the youngest sister started crying. I think I was probably enjoying my freedom,watching some trashy horror film. I promptly dialled a number and asked for 'Mummy'.
A sleepy voice answered "What?" I knew that my parents went to some loud parties in our village so it took quite a while to work out that I had the wrong number. I honestly didn't know. Fortunately, I was too young to be remotely embarrassed and just shrugged and went to bed..

Steve

[csearle]

...etc...

Sounds juicy. Do explain more (on another board if necessary ). C.

[Nimrod103]

AiYs story reminded me of an incident from the days when boys had long hair....

I had a woman friend, very petite androgynous, page boy hair cut - with a young son sporting gorgeous long hair.

They got on a bus together and the driver said to the mother: "How old's your sister, Sonny?"


Arb.

Back in the days of blue UK passports (now of course returned, except they are black), you were encouraged to add an updated photo if your looks had significantly changed.
Entering Singapore on my first overseas job, the border policeman looked at my then current photo (bearded, short hair, slightly balding), then up at my original student photo (clean shaven, long hair).
'Welcome to Singapore. Is your wife travelling with you?'