Ye olde Confucius sayeth ......

[mannannan]

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!"

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

No problem is so large it cannot be run away from.

If a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm.

Have no fear of perfection- you'll never reach it.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

He who slings mud generally loses ground.

It take many nail to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Time wounds all heels.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.

Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

Man with penis in peanut butter jar is [expletive deleted] nuts.

Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

[Sutch]

Methink Confucious having repetition problem!

[stewamax]

Ye olde Confucious sayeth "Bum, f*rt, pr*ck, f*rt, bum again, tedious repetitive mysogyny,.... and yet another pr*ck"
I suspect Confucious was more intelligent.

[sg31]

Don't worry Confucius must be getting quite old now, he's allowed to repeat himself occasionally. I do it anf I'm a lot younger than him.

[stewamax]

He will be a mere 2573 in September.
We in Rutland live much longer than that, barring accidents that usually involve a horse.

[csearle]

He will be a mere 2573 in September.
We in Rutland live much longer than that, barring accidents that usually involve a horse.

Sayeth ye that Rutlanders usually die of accidents involving horses?

If so just stay away from them ye Gods!

[UncleEbenezer]

He will be a mere 2573 in September.
We in Rutland live much longer than that, barring accidents that usually involve a horse.

Can't speak for your accent, but it's spelled hearse.

[stevensfo]

An old one from student days....

Confucius says:
When wake up with pain in head, carpet in mouth, bottle in hand, you know was bloody good party!

Steve

[AsleepInYorkshire]

Woman who fly plane upside down have venerable crack up

AiY

[Bubblesofearth]

Ye olde Confucious sayeth "Bum, f*rt, pr*ck, f*rt, bum again, tedious repetitive mysogyny,.... and yet another pr*ck"

Nah, that's not mysgeny, mate, this is mysogeny;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePG6zUYvUZg

[stewamax]

Sayeth ye that Rutlanders usually die of accidents involving horses? If so just stay away from them ye Gods!

Confucius knoweth from afar that my village has four horse-breeding establishments and two livery stables within a ten-minute walk and the stables and kennels of three of the Premier League foxhunts within a 20 minute drive. In someone else’s immortal phrase, East Leics and Rutland is “sodden with horse-culture”.
Inevitably people do get killed or permanently incapacitated, usually from head injuries.