The newly-weds...

[Itsallaguess]

‎
A young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store any more either..."

[Dod101]

Given the state of the church attendance these days, I an certain that this is a rather out dated joke (if that is what it is intended to be)

Dod

[Itsallaguess]

Given the state of the church attendance these days, I an certain that this is a rather out dated joke (if that is what it is intended to be)

Happy to give things another go Dod - how about this one...


St. Peter is standing at Heaven's Gates, when an angel comes to him with a message that he needs to attend to.

Not wanting to leave the Gates unattended, St. Peter looks around for help.

Just at that moment, he sees Jesus coming around the corner so he calls him over.

"Hey Jesus, can you help me out? I need to take care of something. Could you manage the Gates for a while?"

"Sure," answers Jesus. "Just tell me what you need me to do."

St. Peter explains: "It's pretty easy. Every time someone wants to enter Heaven, you sit down with him and have a little chat about what he used to do when he was alive, who his family was. That sort of stuff. And then you decide whether they are allowed entry or not."

"Sounds simple enough then - I got you." Jesus says.

Thanking Jesus, St. Peter leaves.

After a few minutes, the first person, an old man, approaches the Gates of Heaven. Jesus welcomes the man and invites him to sit down.

"So," Jesus starts "tell me something about yourself. What was your profession during your life on earth?"

"I was a carpenter." the old man answers.

"Hey nice! Just like my father." Jesus remarks. "Tell me something about your family."

The old man sighs and looks sad. "I used to have a son, but I lost him."

Kindly, Jesus asks him "Can you tell me more about your son?"

"Well," the old man says, taking a deep breath. "It was kind of a strange story. He was born without being conceived and he had holes in his hands and feet."

Stunned, Jesus leans forward and looks at the old man, his voice a mere whisper. "F-f-father?"

Full of hope, the old man looks up into Jesus' eyes and whispers

"Pinocchio?"

[Mike4]

My fave 'God' joke is this:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and a booming voice rang out. And the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man, caught somewhat off-guard, blurted out, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over it anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific. The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, “That bridge. Were you thinking of two lanes or four?”

[UncleEbenezer]

The Lord replied, “That bridge. Were you thinking of two lanes or four?”

Which just goes to show, He's not as good as our Faustian recent Prime Minister. Big projects a long string of non-starters or utter disasters, but he clearly has the women sussed (not to mention, um, OK let's not mention).

[Tedx]

I always liked....

Wullie and Erchie were sitting in the pub discussing Wullie's upcoming wedding arrangements.

Wullie is justifiably proud of his efforts so far: 'Ah hiv sorted oot the catering, and ma speech and the honeymoon in Largs.

Erchie nods approvingly.

'A hiv even sorted oot ma kilt for the big day' proclaims Wullie.

'And what's the tartan?' Erchie enquires.

'Och, I'd imagine she'd be in the traditional white'

[Mike4]

And another wedding joke I remember from school, but still amuses me all these years later:


Q: Did you hear what happened to the newly-weds who couldn't tell the difference between Vaseline and putty?

A: Yes. All their windows fell out.

[Itsallaguess]

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Did you hear what the gorgeous looking young bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married?

'Past performance is not indicative of future returns..'

[WickedLester]

‎
Did you hear what the gorgeous looking young bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married?

'Past performance is not indicative of future returns..'

He was probably hoping to hear "The value of investments can go down as well as up."

[Itsallaguess]

‎

Did you hear what the gorgeous looking young bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married?

'Past performance is not indicative of future returns..'

He was probably hoping to hear "The value of investments can go down as well as up."

Well that certainly sounds better than -

'and you may not get back what you put in...'

[WickedLester]

He was probably hoping to hear "The value of investments can go down as well as up."

Well that certainly sounds better than -

'and you may not get back what you put in...'

Yes, and something along the lines of "you suffer the risk of losing some or all of your capital."