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G.

A friendly ear
Chrysalis
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Re: G.

#226501

Postby Chrysalis » June 3rd, 2019, 1:27 pm

8 miles is quite a good cycling distance.

didds
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Re: G.

#226560

Postby didds » June 3rd, 2019, 5:06 pm

Jabd2001 wrote:8 miles is quite a good cycling distance.


yes - that's the CLOSEST next town. The larger towns are 25 miles away.

didds

Clitheroekid
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Re: G.

#228453

Postby Clitheroekid » June 10th, 2019, 6:11 pm

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. But like a couple of other posters I'd agree that the car has to go.

If your son's in arrears on the finance they may soon repossess it anyway, but to my mind this would be a blessing in disguise. In fact, if I were you I'd seriously consider ringing the finance company, explaining the situation and advising them to repossess the car sooner rather than later, on the basis they will never be able to recover any arrears.

So far as other creditors are concerned he's actually in a better position than they are, as they can't get blood out of a stone. Depending on the amount, it might be worth you offering them, say 10% of the value of the debt in full and final settlement. Or if you prefer a more formal route he could apply for a Debt Relief Order - https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt- ... ef-orders/

Either way he doesn't really need to worry about the debts, except to the extent that if he does get back on his feet his credit rating will be shot, at least in the short to medium term. However, in that situation you could (and probably would be willing to) lend him money in the expectation of being repaid.You may even decide to give him some money if he really is reformed.

You can reach the first town east (12 miles) by bus in under 90 minutes because it needs a minimum of one change - more like 2+ hours returning in the late afternoon. Cycle is available - but most "other towns" are a minimum of 8 miles away . Without wanting to make excuses etc cars are a virtual necessity round here. Public transport is a total joke

I appreciate that public transport in rural areas is often hopeless. However, so far as your son's concerned this shouldn't be a major problem. He's only 22, so cycling 8 miles is nothing. In any event, why does he really need to go to local towns? He's no money to spend, so what's he going to do when he gets there?

Furthermore, he may even find that he actively enjoys cycling, and with any luck it may give him something to focus on apart from his drug habit.

And even if he's too lazy to cycle and chooses to use the snail's pace bus, what does it matter if it takes all day? He seems to have little else better to do.

You could also perhaps offer him a cheap car by way of an incentive if he manages to find a job - on the basis that if the job goes, so does the car.

But he needs to realise that there are consequences for stupid and irresponsible behaviour. If he's allowed to carry on living much as he did before he's unlikely to change his ways at all.

didds
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Re: G.

#228467

Postby didds » June 10th, 2019, 6:45 pm

Without meaning to disrespect what some have said my point about public transport IS valid wrt a meaningful and feasible commute

I merely the said the NEXT nearest town is 8 miles. Yes - that is cyclable.

But the reality is if there is no job in that NEAREST town then the one that may be available may be 25 miles away - with no public transport service to reach it. WADR a 25 x 2 mile commute daily isn't really feasible, in all weathers in all seasons. I've done it a few times a decade almost ago when I was fit and cycling a lot, for a bit of a jolly, not as a necessity, and that was 90+ minutes each way to an office job with showers available. Oh - in summer.

THAT was the point being made. If ALL the jobs were in the next NEAREST town it wouldn't be an issue. The reality is is that they are not and other towns are much further away

didds

sg31
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Re: G.

#228600

Postby sg31 » June 11th, 2019, 9:45 am

didds wrote:Without meaning to disrespect what some have said my point about public transport IS valid wrt a meaningful and feasible commute

I merely the said the NEXT nearest town is 8 miles. Yes - that is cyclable.

But the reality is if there is no job in that NEAREST town then the one that may be available may be 25 miles away - with no public transport service to reach it. WADR a 25 x 2 mile commute daily isn't really feasible, in all weathers in all seasons. I've done it a few times a decade almost ago when I was fit and cycling a lot, for a bit of a jolly, not as a necessity, and that was 90+ minutes each way to an office job with showers available. Oh - in summer.

THAT was the point being made. If ALL the jobs were in the next NEAREST town it wouldn't be an issue. The reality is is that they are not and other towns are much further away

didds


The point posters are making is that if he doesn't have a job he has no need to worry about how long it takes to commute. Once he gets his act together and gets a job you can offer to loan him a car on the understanding that the car goes as soon as the job does.

It's about incentivising him to chamge. If his life is no worse now then there is no reason to change. If his life gets unpleasant he may find it incentive enough to try to modify his ways.

One upside of him not having a car is it makes it harder to source drugs.

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Re: G.

#228621

Postby didds » June 11th, 2019, 10:49 am

sg31 wrote:The point posters are making is that if he doesn't have a job he has no need to worry about how long it takes to commute. .


he still has to get to interviews?

and has to have something on day #1 to get there - not after a pay packet some time down the line.

this threads is now becoming a me v you guys thread which was not its intention.

I get all the points being made - he is phaqued. I can let him drown or I can help him with a large dose of reality. On both sides etc. that is where we are at.

didds

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Re: G.

#228627

Postby Itsallaguess » June 11th, 2019, 11:00 am

didds wrote:
I get all the points being made - he is phaqued.

I can let him drown or I can help him with a large dose of reality. On both sides etc. that is where we are at.


You're doing a sterling job of trying to navigate a really serious situation didds, and I hope that one day G begins to realise the situation that he's got you all into and the love that you're showing in trying to get him out of it.

There's nothing wrong with just using your own judgement here, after taking in all the great advice this thread has gathered for you.

There's a chance that this 'round' of assistance might not work out, and you might need to prepare yourself for a re-visit of any initial approach you take, so I wouldn't worry too much if you're finding that you want to take a slightly different tack to other suggestions - just take it all in and go with what you think is best.

I wish you the best of luck in the world. As a parent, I imagine this must be an awful situation to have to cope with, but you're sticking with him and I really do hope that he's able to meet you halfway in trying to help him.

Best wishes,

Itsallaguess

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Re: G.

#228656

Postby redsturgeon » June 11th, 2019, 12:00 pm

He is your son, you have to do what you think is best and only you can really decided that (together with him).

Treat the suggestions on this thread as information on which to base your decision.

There are several options and nobody at the moment can say which will lead to the best eventual outcome.

Definitely not you vs them!

John

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Re: G.

#228680

Postby didds » June 11th, 2019, 12:57 pm

G is seemingly on board currently. He admits changes have to be made.

We have agreed that the first course of action is to sort out the immediate financial approach - this current account is being closed (so overdraft facility doesn't exist). He now has a simple bank account (A) that can accept payments, and run D/Ds but cannot be overdrawn. I fully control that. He has a simple "pocket account" (B) which i can send money from A to, for his immediate needs.

The car is under review but he accepts that it likely has to go (depends on next job, if found quickly). This is a huge step forward for him.

He understands totally that I/we (ie mum and siblings) love him - but we do not trust him.

Drugs - I asked him directly and he admits he doesn't actually know if he is "addicted" or just "does them cos he likes it". OPush comes to shove cos without cash he basically cant get them. He has assured me that its not a case of owing some pusher who will send Mr Big around to break his legs.
I've offered to accopany him if he wishes to attend any substance abuse counselling sessions.

We'll see where we go.

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Re: G.

#228684

Postby pds2008 » June 11th, 2019, 1:18 pm

Didds

I sympathise with your situation. I can offer the story of my older brother. I will simply tell you the story as it occurred as his situation is not exactly the same as your son's. But there were various decision points for him and my parents which took him down a certain path that may or may not have saved him.

We were brought up in a rural community, and an island to boot. Most kids who could scrape together the qualifications left to go to university or college, including me and my brother. He took up a vocational Higher level college course, moved away, completed and ultimately got a job in the midlands. He smoked heavily and also developed a drink and drug habit but he kept his job until one day he announced he had quit and would move to Spain to teach English. He did this for about 6 months then came back to say it did not work out. He was still drinking heavily but I am not sure about the drugs. He was now mid-thirties and moved back with my parents. They had just retired but obviously welcomed him back and wanted to help. He managed to get a few summer jobs but they never lasted (transport and timekeeping were always a problem). This continued for about 5 years with my parents continually worrying about him but putting on a brave face. He was drinking behind their backs stashing booze around the house, and there were a few confrontations. It was starting to affect my parents health and well being and in the end they sat him down and told him he had to move out. They persuaded him to move somewhere where there was a chance of finding work, and they helped him to move to a large town on the mainland. He was able to claim some benefits, including getting rent assistance, and started to create a new life for himself. However, he never managed to lose his drinking demons and always fell back. By the time he was in his mid forties his smoking and drinking had affected his health and he was diagnosed with lung cancer, went through chemo and had part of a lung removed. He continued to smoke - not sure about the drinking by now, but we believe that continued as well.

He was told that he needed a second round of chemo, but he could not go through with it again (he never told us this). It was then a question of time and his heart gave out before his lungs and he passed away.

My conclusion from this is that my parents did everything they could. It was the right decision for him to move to a bigger town to try and sort his life out, but the key to his failure was that he could not quit the drink and drugs - potential employers are not stupid and they can recognise someone with a drug problem most of the time, even if their employment record does not give it away. If the police stop him under the influence he is doubly stuffed. I think the key is for your son to kick that habit in order to present himself as someone to invest in. Easier said than done. I hope this helps in some way.

Best of luck


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